random thoughts

i was reminiscing past conversations with different people and with myself when i'm alone while walking towards the bank under the heat of the noon sun...

1. you know you're still not ready for any type of commitment if you still feel that you want (need) to flirt or sex with any people at any given time

2. you know you're not yet ready to settle down yet if you think how you can flirt with a friend if you have a girl friend / boyfriend or how you miss flirting with other people.

3. you know you're not yet ready to settle down yet if you still have a lot of what if's

4. i realized that one of my areas for improvement, as far as dating or having romantic relationships concerned, is not appearing aesthetically pleasing, but to be able to create a connection with another person. i asked myself, when was the last time i truly connected with someone new? i think the last time was in college.

i truly think that connecting or the ability to connect romantically or communicate whatever you have inside of you to another human being is a skill.

i don't think i'm able to develop this skill. some people are gifted...me...i need help...i need a trainor, a teacher, a tutor.

the problem arises not because i don't have the prerequisites to have this skill but because of fear.

now, how to overcome this fear...this prevailing exercise of mistrust, which happens unconsciously by the way, protected by avoidance, rejection and rationalization (calling it often as self-preservation)...i have yet to realize.