Don't worry, I am not scared

I was reflecting on death (with my scheduled operation in just 2 days). For some odd reason, I am not even scared of it. If I die while the doctor is operating on me, I think I will be OK with death.

I have no regrets.

I was able to do stuff that normal people in their right minds wouldn’t do – and I’m proud of it. I am able to do the things I want – already completed a bucket list and have started actually a new one. And it’s OK if I’m not able to fulfill the new bucket list.

I don’t have a bad relationship with anyone…well at least I’m not aware of it. I think I have a good relationship with everyone that matters to me.

I have a good life. My family, my father, my brothers, especially my nephew and niece, my close friends and relatives fulfills my life. Even if I’m not blessed with a family of my own, it is still a good life.

If I die, I am definitely OK with it. I am looking forward to seeing my loved ones again, especially my mother.

If I die, don’t cry too much. It’s OK to be sad. If I can, I will comfort you with my spirit. I know you will miss me terribly but don’t worry, I’ll try to visit :P

Please smile with the knowledge that I was able to live a full and happy life :)



Is this what my life going to be like for the next 100 years? Working an average of 12 hours a day. My world has revolved around my family and friends. No significant other to speak of. No love life, not even a sex life. When I go home all I want to do is sleep, watch tv or play with my niece and nephew. Is this it? Am I sad? What am I doing here? I feel like I don't belong here.


To my dear DL

I know he will never read this but what the heck...

Dear Love,

I've been trying desperately to get your attention. Believe me, sending you messages is already a great effort on my part and I do not understand why you are not responding.  Have I said or done anything wrong to deserve this reaction from you?

I am writing you this open letter because I feel miserable. I always wanted to say how I truly feel about you but considering our past conversations about relationships it scares me to say anything.

Everyday we converse how we adore each other, how we want to make each other happy, how things will change if we are together, the sacrifices I or you are willing to take to make this relationship last and to move to the next level, how we are going to plan our activities for the entire year....all of these are just happening in mind by the way.

I yearn for you...your kisses, your touch, the warmth of your body, the sound of your heartbeat. I miss how we talk, your jokes, even your sarcasm I miss it too.

I originally thought that by writing this letter would alleviate my misery somehow but it didn't.

I wish you can give me even a minute to acknowledge this and to tell me what's really going on.

I wish....

Truly yours,
Your hopeless admirer


Why I love my job

I am just grateful that I am in a position to support others in making better lives for others.

Most of my waking hours is devoted to work. I do complain sometimes that I don't get to have time to do the things that I'd rather do like sleep or hang out with friends and family as much as I want. You just learn to forego these things, especially when you know you are making even a small positive difference in a (or many) person's life.

This week I found out that due to my findings an employee will be receiving at least Php15,000 retroactive payment from 2011. He was not given the correct amount by HR (it was probably an honest mistake). Several persons will also be receiving increases but not as high as that amount. I'm sure their families would be very happy to hear the news.

Making a positive difference and contributing to the betterment of people's lives (even just a few people) is the reason why I love my job.


Post for my 35th birthday

My birthday posts serves as a recap of what has happened to me in the past year. A self-assessment of some sort. And at the same time sort of a new year's resolution.

Was I able to reach the goal that I have set to myself last year? No.

I believe, my goal last year was to change my relationship status. And it's still the same. Every 11:11 AM or PM I wish it would change. You can't force love if it's not yet time. It seems that even if you created opportunities for it to happen, it just won't.

For this year, I would like to aspire to become a better person.  There are many things that I can improve on and learn (I've been putting off these) e.g. start a healthier diet and must make exercise a habit. Learn something new whether sewing or an accelerated MBA program.

Will no longer waste my energy and attention to someone who wouldn't do the same. Will no longer short change myself.  I'd rather waste my time and effort to producing a better me.

Life is indeed to short to be wasted on trivialities.


I miss you.

I miss you.

I am sooo itching to give you a text or a message to say that but I am not sure if that's something you'd appreciate. So I decided to keep it to myself. I have this enormous want of giving you a hug right now but you're not here.

I was talking to myself last night while driving home and I remember the conversation we had about me being single. You asked why and mentioned the nice qualities you noticed I have and my answer was because nobody asked.

Well that's it isn't it. I am just as helpless as a kitten on a highway in this category.

I miss you.

I wonder if after 10 years I'd still remember who I'm missing.

To end this blog post, let's all sing to Coldplay's "Warning Sign" song.

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses

Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you, so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover

Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
And I'm tired I should not have let you go


So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

I hope I didn't lose you yet.


How should we live? 18 rules of living by the Dalai Lama

There are moments when you think about yourself and the things that you have accomplished in the past years, your experiences, the mistakes you make again and again and those what could have been's.

I try to reflect, usually on my birthday or during holy week, the meaning of life for me. I always question my purpose on this earth. Am I here just to work 9-10 hours for 5-6 days a week for the rest of my life? Do I only just hang out with my family or friends, watch a movie, cook, exercise after work, travel from time to time and meet with people of different nationalities and cultural background?

My life is definitely not boring but there are time that it is and during those boring moments I find myself asking "Is there more to life than what I have right now?" and "Can my life get any better than this?".

Given that I perform benchmarking for companies on salaries and best practices, I thought why not benchmark my life with something....like a standard or a guide and see if I am truly living.

And so I found this 18 Rules for Living by the Dalai Lama:

Basically, the rules revolve around these 3 fundamental rules:

  • Respect for self
  • Respect for others
  • Responsibility for all your actions

It's much like the 2 commandments of Jesus in the New Testament book - a summary of the 10 commandments by God given to Moses in Mt. Sinai. But I find the 18 rules more "friendly"...it doesn't have scary command like that of the 10 Commandments:

  1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
  2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
  3. Follow the three R’s
  4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
  5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
  6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
  7. When you realize you have made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
  8. Spend some time alone every day.
  9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
  10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  11. Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
  12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
  13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
  14. Share your knowledge, it’s a way to achieve immortality.
  15. Be gentle with the earth.
  16. Once a year go someplace you have never been before.
  17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
  18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
Now, to compare my life with the rules above:
  1. Check! I have risked to love someone and ended up losing that person and cried for almost a decade. For non-relationship matters, I took a risk but I haven't seen the fruits of that risk...yet
  2. The problem with this one is I have a tendency to forget. I'm forgetful. Just like the entire Filipino nation when they forgot what this politician did to the country during election time. People still vote for the wrong persons. But for other matters, I'm sure I've learned my lessons.
  3. Hard to do this really. Especially when you have so much annoyance over a person. It's a work in progress
  4. True! The reason it didn't happen is because there is something better that's going to come along.
  5. I cannot relate yet.
  6. Little disputes are manageable and I think it's healthy or normal for friends to have that but a big dispute like when your friend betrays you that means F.O.
  7. Check! I do apologize and say sorry (in my own way) for mistakes made to another person and most of the time I provide countermeasures to prevent things from getting worse.
  8. I do. Especially when I'm in the bathroom....just kidding. But I do this, not regularly though. I either just stay inside my room or go to a chapel for a few minutes of alone time with God.
  9. I opened my arms to change and it changed me...a lot (as compared to when I was in high school). I guess when you change it is inevitable that some of your values and principles will change...your outlook in life changes and that gives you a realization of what values and principles you would really uphold and are unbreakable.
  10. I agree to this. And I find myself doing this especially when I'm angry, because hurtful words can also cause wounds...to the heart. And I find myself carefully choosing my words before saying it. Because sometimes I say a lot of things out of anger.
  11. Trying. Hard.
  12. I think I have a loving atmosphere at home. It may not always be perfect and I may not always be quiet when I see something wrong but I am glad the channels of communication are always open. My parents are able to create a safe and loving atmosphere that we never felt insecure.
  13. Check. Anyways, I wouldn't remember about the past anyways.
  14. A work in progress!
  15. I have a plant that I use to decorate my bathroom. I always talk to her and when I think she's getting too crowded in her pot, I asked my aunt to transfer her to a bigger pot so she could grow bigger. I refuse plastic especially if I have only one item. I use a pail when taking a bath so I wouldn't be wasting too much water. I reuse and recycle stuff.
  16. I think I've been doing this since 2009. In 2009, I went to Jamul, Escondido in the US and Mexicali in Mexico, I went to Roxas City in Capiz (I know I've been here before, but I felt like it's my first time), I went to Subic beach with a friend. In 2010, it's my first time to go to Seoul, South Korea, Macau, and a part of Guimaras island. In 2011, Chiang Mai Thailand, Sorsogon (for the whale shark interaction), and Batanes. In 2012, I went to Singapore, and Boracay. And in 2013, I went to Puerto Galera, Talim Island (for the solar power for fish farming project), and coming soon to Bangkok, Thailand and Siem Reap, Cambodia
  17. I have yet to find out.
  18. Work in progress.
Given the items above, seems I have work cut out for myself. Like what my friend told me, "as long as we are living, we still have hope". I still have hope to really "make a living"!


My first car!!! :D

Well technically my first car was a red Daihatsu Charade that was given to me by my parents. My real first car...meaning the first car that I have ever first bought with my own money is this 4-door 6-speed manual transmission platinum graphite Kia Rio sedan :D


 The first gear is something that I need to get used to. Different from the Lite Ace van that I usually drive ever since my dad sold my Charade years ago. The engine is so quiet that I have difficulty telling if I should change gears or not. Good thing the odometer has a monitor that let's you know what gear you should be on based on speed. I'm thinking of keeping the plastics on the seat for a few weeks...para feeling na bagong bago talaga.

 My dad told my relatives that it's his car. I just tell them, when they ask me if it's true, that it is "ours", however, I'm the only one paying for it :D


No, my name is not Narcissa

I'm glad I can make myself laugh and smile by making faces in front of the mirror while humming the intro of "Somebody I used to Know" (by Goteye). Am I on my way to becoming an old crazy lady with a dozen cats? No, I just like myself a lot :D


A Valentine's Date

I said, "oh and happy Valentine's!".

He replied with, "I'm not a big believer of Valentine's day..everyday should be Valentine's day"

I replied with "Yeah, just like Christmas...it's actually funny to think that people say "happy" to Valentine's day when he died on that day because of martyrdom...it's like saying happy death anniversary"

"True. Best to ignore and save the flower money for another day..."

Honestly, it would be nice to get flowers sometimes...especially when you see most girls getting it that day.

Oh well.

Later that evening, we went to Mr. Rockefeller, had some oyster rockefeller, gambas and risotto and iced tea and then after went to see Nicholas Sparks' Safe Haven. It was a feel good movie. I felt really good watching it.

When I got into my bedroom, I patted myself on the back and said, "It was a good date" :D

If he was physically here, I wonder if he would take me out for dinner on Valentine's day.

I have never dated anyone on Valentine's day nor have I ever dated anyone to celebrate Valentine's day.


very very late birthday post

Well I think in the past years I've been writing birthday posts. But I wasn't able to write last year, heck I wasn't able to write anything in the past months!

Anyway, since in the past years also...I think...from what I remember...I always have a disease or something. Always sick with a cough or colds or whatever. Well, it's not so different this year.

Let's list down the diseases I have so far and the year I found out I have it or at least suspect that I have it:

1. Polycystic ovarian syndrome: Nothing serious really. I think it is just nature's way of controlling the population. I'm not infertile but I may have difficulty bearing a child. I found out I have this when I was 23-24 years old, in Bukidnon, while monitoring a survey about health. How ironic right? The solution to this is either surgery or hormonal therapy. So far, I think hormonal pills are doing fine.

2. Cholesteatoma: According to PubMed Health, it is a "type of skin cyst located in the middle ear and skull bone (mastoid)". Sounds scary. The bad thing about having this is that I'm forbidden to swim. My favorite sport / activity!!! Ugh! The only thing I can do to really remove this is surgery (so I can swim) but the doctor is saying that there's really no need for surgery. Now the problem with surgery here in the Philippines for this type of disease is that it is considered a major surgery. In the developed countries, this is just a minor surgery and from I heard they use laser for this. I only learned that I have this April 2012 (then I went to the beach in Palawan and scuba dived in June 2012) Yes. I'm stubborn like that. So says my ear doctor.

3. Umbilical hernia: I felt a lump in my navel last year and it was only this year that I was able to go to the doctor and have it checked. My doc says it's a hernia and I'll be completely fine unless it becomes painful and the only way to treat it is not by diet, not by changing lifestyle or activities but by surgery. My diseases really wants me to go under the knife.

4. Gall bladder stones: Well I think this is a bit serious. Especially when your doctor says that this acts like a time bomb. You don't know when it's going to explode (not literally anyway). Found out about this just last Friday. But I think I have this late last year when the burping started. Excessive burping was one of the symptoms. I did not feel any pain so I guess it's a good thing that the doctor ordered an ultrasound for the burping. We all thought it was just acid reflux. I will have to schedule a laparoscopy maybe at the end of this month. Let's hope for the best!

As for love life, well there are always possibilities but it never materializes. I hope this year will be good to me. Hoping really for a love life, or having kids this year (if God would allow it).


Lumpiang Shanghai or Deep Fried Pinoy Spring Rolls

Here's a different twist to your normal lumpiang shanghai:


- 750 grams ground lean pork
- 250 grams minced shrimp (Optional, but it would be great if you have this. I didn't put any the last time I made some)
- 3 medium sized carrots
- 3 medium sized sweet potatoes (This is not usually used in making lumpiang shanghai, actually the sweet potato made an interesting flavor to the lumpiang shanghai. It gave a bit of a sweeter taste)
- few stalks of minced spring onions
- 1 medium sized onions
- half bulb garlic
- 2 medium sized eggs
- ground pepper
- salt

For wrapping:

- 2 packages of lumpia wrapper (I think 12 pcs per pack. If you're in the Philippines, you can readily buy the lumpia wrapper in any wet or local market, groceries or supermarkets. If you're outside the Philippines, you can buy them, maybe, at a Filipino store, like Seafood City in San Diego, California or your Chinese stores. I usually cut them in half instead of using the whole wrapper. You don't want to have a big lumpiang shanghai because of the cooking time. You might end up with a burnt lumpia wrapper and raw meat inside)
- a bit of water with a bit of cornstarch (well actually you can do away with cornstarch) - this is used to seal the lumpia. You don't want the meat coming out of your wrapper right?

For the sauce (optional):

- half a bottle of tomato ketchup original blend 320 grams (So that's 160 grams. Here in the Philippines we have a sweet blend. You can use this if you like and not add any more sugar as it is already sweet. Kaya nga sweet blend e)
- vinegar (it really doesn't matter what kind really, just use the ones you normally use when you make a paksiw. No need to use the expensive ones like the balsamic vinegar, vinegar wine or black vinegar, apple cider etc.)
- water, sugar and salt to taste
- cornstarch (to have that thick consistency)

Instructions for making the lumpiang shanghai:

Since I wanted everything to be fast and I don't have my electric chopper with me (I left it at my home in Pasig), I grated the carrots, sweet potatoes, onions and garlic into a bowl. If you have time in your hands, chop them to itsy bitsy tiny weenie little pieces.

Mix all the ingredients above into one bowl. It's fun using mixing them with your hands or if you feel icky about it, use a fork or a spoon. Mix well.

Salt and pepper to taste. I did not put the measurements for salt and pepper because when I cook I don't really use any measurements at all (besides I know some of you like it salty and I don't). Just lick the tip of your finger to know if it's salty or not. I know all of the ingredients are raw, but I have this habit of giving it a taste using the tip of my finger.

When you have mixed all the ingredients, then you're ready to wrap the lumpiang shanghai.

Instructions for wrapping the lumpiang shanghai:

I realized that I did not take any pictures of wrapping the lumpiang shanghai when I did it the other day...oh well, I'm sure you can search a lot of references in youtube or in other food websites.

But anyway, this is what I usually do:
1. Using the half sheet of lumpia wrapper, put the mixture in the middle and edge of the wrapper.
2. Fold the left and right flaps securing firmly the meat inside the wrapper then roll.
3. Wet the other end of the wrapper with the water and cornstarch mixture to seal.
4. Set aside.

Instructions for making the sauce:
Mix all the ingredients in a sauce pan including the cornstarch. Cook and wait until it boils and until you see that the sauce thickens.

If you need a thicker sauce, add more cornstarch BUT NOT DIRECTLY TO THE HOT SAUCE. Dilute the cornstarch in a bit of normal temperature or cold water and then add it carefully while mixing the hot sauce.

Cooking the lumpiang shanghai:
As with any other fried food, it is needless to say that before you put it in the frying pan, make sure the oil is super duper hot...meaning it's boiling and you can already see smoke coming out of your pan.

But for those who are clueless and for the first time will be cooking the lumpia, DO NOT PUT THE LUMPIA IF THE OIL IS NOT YET SUPER HOT. Otherwise, you'll have a soggy very oily lumpiang shanghai with oil dripping out of your mouth (blech!)

Cook the lumpiang shanghai until it is golden brown. Cooking lumpiang shanghai especially on high heat would take less than 5 mins so make sure that you don't burn your lumpiang shanghai.

Put the lumpia in a strainer to remove extra oil and then place them on a plate with paper towel so to further remove extra oil.

Serve with parsley (just because I think it would look nice) or just serve them in any food platter. I serve myself with it in a bowl with rice and lot of sauce or ketchup on the side.

The sauce is optional. If I feel lazy making the sauce I either use the tomato ketchup or the banana ketchup. Some people use soy sauce with calamansi. Depends on your palate really.




This is the view from my apartment. Great date when you're alone :)

Mobile blog finally!

Can I just blog how happy I am that I am finally able to blog from my phone?!! It's not via an application though but what the heck this is great! :D

Take it back

I don't understand why I should keep on waiting. I don't understand why you are not replying to any of my messages. Did I do something wrong? Did I offend you in any way? Did my previous lifestyle disgust you? I never lied to you. I never pretended to be anyone else but myself. I never pretended to be innocent.

Every time I go out with a different guy, I always think of you. There is not one day that has passed that I did not think about you.

The other night I was with a guy that I previously dated. He was before you. He asked me out for a dinner and a few drinks. After dinner, he took me home to my place and pretended that he needed to use my bathroom because he could no longer hold his pee. When I took him to the door, he started kissing me. I kissed back. I kissed back but all I think of is you.

I entertained the idea of doing it with him because I know that what we had doesn't mean anything to you. You said you cannot commit. So why do I have to wait for you and be exclusive to you? But I just couldn't do it. I hate you for that.

I hate you for wanting you more than I expected. Now, how do I get myself back to the place I was before?

You changed me. What do I do now with this new self?


Edited: September 18, 2012 (as I felt that I have abruptly ended this)

When it rains it pours...I guess the saying goes can be the same for guys. When you want them, they're not around...when you have someone, they come after you like crazy.

So I'm making an effort to date this guy exclusively...and no we did not talk about it. I just decided that I will be exclusive to him.

Maybe it's hormones or stress? I don't know. I'm just not in the mood to date other guys...but I'm super excited to see him it hurts. You know what I mean? Like if only I can arrange his work schedule for my benefit, I would. Like if plane travel is as cheap as jeepney travel, I'd be wherever he is.

So what is my love life status? Still zero. But honestly, I am super liking this guy...I even asked my friends how would they know that they're already in love? In my experience, I always find it out too late...the guy's already gone.

So how do you know?

Here is what I have observed if I'm really into the guy:

1. I'm shy...and that almost does not happen when I'm with someone I don't like. I come on too strong and confident actually to the point that they'd just leave because they're too scared to face me.

2. What's with my grammar? e.g. "did sent" "did told" the fuck!? I know I'm articulate, (well at least some of the participants who attended my seminar told me) What the hell is going on with my brain? Does this mean that sometimes girls can become dumb when they're with a guy they super like? Just like men, who performs relatively poorly in an exam when a beautiful lady would proctor the exam.

3. In relation to the above -- what's with the twisted tongue? A simple "Sure I'd love to have dinner with you" would sound like "Ser love to hab der you"

4. I have this urge that I want to do stuff for him e.g. cook for him, give him a massage. This sounds a bit kinky though. Like what you see in a bdsm kind of porn movies...the master and the servant...

5. I constantly want to have any form of communication. But I am trying to control myself very hard in sending BBM or text messages.

6. I google him. I want to know everything about the guy. Now funny thing is I tried googling this guy and couldn't find any information about him...which makes me wonder. He is either 1) not using his real name because he probably knows that i will google him and find stuff he doesn't want me to know about like he's married or 2) He's not really a CIO of that dairy company because I couldn't find that position in that company and 3) He has this bot program wherein any information about you in the Internet will be deleted...talk about effort to hide your true identity....I guess I go for number 1 or 2.....err....I was away for a bit because I still am trying to google him hahaha pathetic.

7. I always have this urge to ran away....to not see him again...to say goodbye...and then I'd cry hoping that he would see way past my stubborn self. It's a bit odd isn't? Maybe this is so because he has the capacity to hurt me immensely. So it's a risk between being extremely happy or suffer a (almost) decade of pain...which happened to one of my ex-bfs....scary shit...it just turns your values upside down.

In the end, I still don't know.

It's easy to say I'm in-love or I'm infatuated because I'm definitely physically and cognitively attracted to him. 

I'm still in the process of finding that out. Love is a tedious process. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of getting to know each other (which I don't have the luxury of doing it now). It takes a lot of trust and honesty...and acceptance...acceptance of what he is in the past, what he is now and what he will become in the future...


Leche Flan ala mi(a)

This recipe will make 3 small size lyaneras. Just like the ones you see on the photo. (If you have to use a different container, do not use plastic)

- 1 to 1 1/2 table spoon of white sugar (depends on how many caramel syrup you want in your flan)

Leche Flan
- 4 medium sized eggs
- 1 can of Carnation evaporated milk (12oz./354 ml)
- 1 can of Carnation sweetened condensed milk (14oz/414 ml) (you can ad 7 oz more if you want it to be sweeter), the 1 can of sweetened condensed milk is not too sweet for me. Or you can use sugar as a substitute)
- 1 teaspoon (or 2-3 drops) of vanilla extract

1. Melt the white sugar in the lyanera. Be careful not to burn the sugar otherwise you will have to repeat the process. Burnt sugar tastes bitter. (Tip: some people (like me) like a bit of a bitter taste so I sometimes burn the sugar just a little)

2. In a mixing bowl, mix the egg, evaporated milk, condensed milk and vanilla. Mix them well. I usually include the egg whites...just because I hate wasting it...unless you'll make a merengue out of it :)

3. Pour the mixture into the lyanera. Cover each lyanera with an aluminum foil.

4. In a steamer, steam the flan for 20-25 mins. (Tip: Make sure that the water is already boiling before you put it in)

5. After 20 mins., stick a toothpick on the flan to see if it has already cooked. If you see a trace of the flan on the toothpick, it means it is not yet ready. Steam it for another 5-10 mins. If there's no more trace, then you can safely say that the flan is ready.

Remove the flan from the steamer (otherwise it will continue cooking and your flan will have a harder texture) and let it cool down.

Serve alone or with a macapuno or put it on top of halo-halo.


FYI, cost of lyanera in the Pasig wet market is Php11.00


Piensa en mi (Think of Me)

(This is the first song I learned in Spanish. I haven't memorize it yet though. I think it's a good song/poem. I hope my translation is correct)

Si tienes un hondo penar (if you feel like making a grave sin)
piensa en mi (think of me)
si tienes ganas de llorar (if you want to cry)
piensa en mi (think of me)

ya ves que venero (you see, i worship (venerate))
tu imagen divina (your divine image (your sexiness)
tu párvula boca (your innocent mouth)
que siento tan niña (is like a very little girl's)
me ensenio a pecar (who has taught me how to sin)

Piensa en mi (Think of me)
cuando sufras (when you are suffering)
cuando llores (when you are crying)
también piensa en mi (i will think of you too)

Cuando quieras (If you like)
quitarme la vida (take my life)
no la quiero (i do not want it)
para nada (at all)
para nada me sirve sin ti (for it has no use without you)

August 11, 2012

I stare at the ceiling cracks of my room...wondering what I should do for the idle time that I have. Wanted to go to a friend's baby shower but too scared to go given the looming full blown migraine...it was a good call actually that I decided not to go because in the next hour I experienced diarrhea.

Sucks to be a woman at this time of the month.

On a different topic, I joined a Spanish class last Thursday. I don't think I would ever have a use for the Spanish language except if I decided to go back to Mexico or go to Spain for a tour (which will not happen anytime soon). And it is not a formal language class...it's more of having a reason for CS (couchsurfers) of Makati to have an activity...to meet and greet with people. I admit it was fun doing so.

Here are the reasons why I joined the Spanish class:
 1. I am bored. I need something new to do. The offer of learning a new language for free is a good chance to get rid somehow of this boredom.
2. I think it's a good exercise for my brain...to keep me from having a dementia (e.g. alzheimer's) later on in life
3. To have a good use of the Spanish-English dictionary at home. Which reminds me, I have to bring that back when I go back here to Makati.
4. I think it's a good way of meeting new and interesting people...which I did. Since most were newbies to CS, I was able to impart some of my experiences as a CSer. They all had a laugh. One even thinks I look and act like Eugene Domingo (ang layo kaya!). In a way, I was able to bring out my comedian self. I am getting waaaay to serious already (on the path towards becoming an old grouchy spinster).

On yet again a different topic...since the word spinster came out... I learned through fb that two of my female cousins are going to get married. They got engaged almost at the same time. Honestly, there is this side of me that sort of envy them. So in the next months and years, 3 of my younger cousins are going to get married.

This got me into thinking. I am telling myself and other people that there's this part of me that does not want to get married and this is because of what happened to my friends, friends of friends and family friends. But it is an issue that has been bothering me whenever there would be news of a friend or relative is getting married. Bothered meaning I get sad because I think it will never happen to me. I have created opportunities for myself but it just didn't. Maybe it wasn't meant to be or not my time yet? Maybe I'm just getting impatient with this. Then I'd think/realize that getting bothered by this is useless. And that I have to use my time to do and think of things that are productive.

Or maybe I am having these feelings because of mood or hormones. Oh well...


Why do we do the things that we do?

Why are we here? (Before I sleep, I am imagining spending on a beach with you beside a bonfire...talking about things with sense and non-sense. That's how we discover each other -- but this story is for another time) Because I am looking for something exciting, finding something that would pique my curiosity like love or lust. Both are very exciting and interesting but only one has meaning. We do the things we do because of the possibility that it might be something worthwhile doing. Because it might give us meaning and satisfaction that we had lived a life. Not just live but actually felt alive. Why do we do the things that we do?


I am using this blog as an excuse to write something because I am super duper sleepy. And I am making a tally of the common factors used by the company in their performance appraisal. This is how I do it to figure out which part of their evaluation forms I need to make an improvement. Of course all of these are tied up with their expected competencies, as stated in their competencies manual, and with the expectations of the managers, which I have not gathered yet because I thought that the materials I have now would suffice for it. Anyway, expectations of the management across all companies doesn't differ much.

Anyhow, I was thinking this morning, while putting on my pants, that hipster pants (low-rise jeans) are for sexy and lean people....the one that could easily show their curves and very nice laced panties. How would someone with love handles fit comfortably and sexily in a hipster pants??? READ: MUFFIN TOP.

I remember scouting for the "normal" pants. The normal pants for me is something that would start and fit my waist, the mid or slightly higher rise cuts. But to my suprise, the hipster pants now are the normal pants. The fuck?! What's the ratio again of vertically challenged people from anorexic looking people nowadays? Ok, I'm overly exaggerating here, let me qualify and rephrase my question...what's the percentage again of people in their 30's (and above) that would fit perfectly in a hipster jeans?

Yeah. So. Either I go buy imported brands, go to a dressmaker and have the jeans done according to the style that fits my body or go to the gym and workout to death to just get that fucking jeans fit my waist perfectly minus the muffin tops.



I have not written for so long and so I am staring on this blank page thinking I could start writing something...and so this is what I have started.

I can still taste the Wagyu (Japanese beef) my co-workers and I had for lunch. Still can taste the rich taste from my burp. I know it sounds gross.

I have read somewhere that in order for you to start writing is to well...just start writing. I used to love writing stuff before. All my observations, my ideas, the things I dreamt the other night etc. And now I am babbling here trying to figure out what interesting things I can share.

Even during conversations now. I feel like I cannot contribute anything interesting. Have I become a bore all of a sudden? Maybe. I just feel like nothing interesting is happening...well nothing I find significant.

And so while writing this stuff I am stuck from time to time what to write. In between encoding the wage survey, answering to emails by clients and this, my mind is wandering.

I want to sleep for like 18 hours and wake up stare at the wall for a good one hour then sleep again.

I am trying to assess if this craving for too much sleep means something? Maybe to escape the boredom I have in my life right now. Because in dreams you can create your own universe.

This morning I woke up in the middle of the night, no thanks to my flatmate, who at the ungodly hour of the morning decided to create a mini-club in his room. Unfortunately, he was not able to get a text from me to lower down the volume. Now, I'm thinking what if I play all my Metallica albums while he is sleeping? For sure I wouldn't be bothering my neighbors because it will be during the day...and he most sleeps during day time.

Devious of me I know.

Going back to my dream, I dreamt last night that I was attacked by me. I was wearing a black sexy lingerie and I was touching me. Talk about self-love. Am I not loving myself enough? That was it of my dream. I woke up because it felt very awkward. My sexy me is trying to touch me hahaha eerrr...

I know none of what I wrote makes sense to anyone even me...but I just want to start writing again. I was going to say that I will write at least 1 post a day, but knowing myself...my writing is dependent on my mood....so I'm going to say at least...the very least...once a week.

Here's to nonsense, rainy days and thirstdays!


Well hello there old self! I missed you.

Because I have realized what I have lost and I am starting to get it back little by little Just you wait and see I will regain my good old ME!


Random churvaloos

Dec. 18, 2011

While waiting for my turn at the toilet at a restaurant, the guy behind me said, "waiting."

i said, "yeah." i thought that's what we actually do most of our lives. waiting.

waiting for something exciting to happen, waiting for the next big thing, the next birthday, the next Christmas, next job, next love...

Qumoquotable quotes:
Dec 23, 2011

Gay friend: you like kakanin ha (because i'm going to make suman)san ka kukuha ng roasted beef?

Me: it's tradition...sa palengke...bibili ako tapos gagawin ko may recipe naman

GF: pwede ba akong makipamasko sa iyo...sabay sleep over ako sa place mo

Me: sure!

GF: adopt a friend program ka

Me: you are very welcome. isasama pa kita habang mamamasko sa mga lola ko

GF: yan ang gusto ko sa iyo eh. love na love mo ako hahaha buti na lang nde ako straight chenelar hahaha

Me: hahaha. if straight guys would know me like you know me...you think they'd fall in love? hahahaa

GF: oo naman. mapag mahal ka naman and you give it all. so why not?

Me: too bad lang they didn't stay long to get to know me like you do
hahaha parang pang ending quote of the year lang hahaha


25th for the 8th year

Birthday log.

It's a good thing to note that this year I am not sick...physically and emotionally. Although I was alone, I'm in a good place when I celebrated my birthday.

I have planned to go to Thailand since early this year with a friend who is also going to celebrate his birthday in November (we're just a few days apart) but since he doesn't want to wade on the flood water in Bangkok, I went alone...to Chiang Mai.

Chiang Mai was one of the most awesome places to see. Well maybe it was awesome for me when I went there because it was Loi Krathong Festival (Yee Peng festival for Chinese, floating and/or flying of the lanterns as offering to the water goddess for bringing them water).

The day of my birthday was the last day of the festival. They had a grand parade which was participated by the government agencies, universities, and private companies (mostly by famous tourist places such as night safari and Chiang Mai zoo).

I think there were thousands of lanterns that flew that night. There were panda shaped lanterns and heart shaped lanterns. Of course, most of the lanterns you see there are the regular rectangular ones of different sizes. You would see people writing their wishes on their lanterns, hoping that the gods or goddesses would read them when they float it towards the sky. Some were just sort of praying with their eyes closed while holding the lit lantern.

I've floated one and I did make a wish :) It went up high in the sky. I just hope it would come true soon. If it didn't it's a fun experience anyway.

The lanterns looked like fireflies in the sky. It's just so beautiful. Some lanterns would fly up really high, some lanterns would get stuck on a tree or would get entangled in an electrical wire (which is scary because it might create fire, but it never happened).

Fireworks are everywhere. People were all having fun...it's just like New Year's eve here in the Philippines but much safer.

A great way to celebrate my birthday!

Plus, I've made new friends :D


The day I lost my dear necklace.

I feel like I lost my mama all over again.

Today, an asshole low life creature stole my topaz necklace from my neck. The necklace that my mama gave me when I graduated from high school.

I felt really really bad. It really broke my heart.

I had a premonition, I should have listened to my instincts.

I hope that rat gets what he deserves in life! >:-(


Swimming for a happier you!

So I swam yesterday to drown the pain I have felt the day before.

Men cannot be fully trusted with a woman's heart. Sweet words are just words if not coupled with actions. I should have known. I mean really, I'm already an expert at this and I grew up with my dad telling me that men cannot be trusted (speaking from his own experience, he used to have 3 girlfriends at one time).

So anyway, after finishing 30 laps, I saw Dave, the water aerobics instructor. He was there early (I usually swim before his class, sometimes even during his class if he only has 1-2 students). I went up to him and said hi.

We got into a small talk and then he told me that one of the onlookers (other swimmers, people at the Jacuzzi) told him that I swim beautifully (maganda daw ako lumangoy). I was surprised that anyone would even notice me when I'm swimming.

"Really?!!", I exclaimed. "Yes! And she's not the only person who told me that. There were several others who told me that your form and execution is good. And I told them that it is because you practiced a lot!", Dave said.

"I never knew! I just try and do whatever stuff that works for me. I don't even know if what I'm doing is correct. I just watch the different styles on youtube like total immersion and I just immitate it. I really have no formal training on swimming. This is really nice to know".

WOW :))

So that's the reason why I find other swimmers or those people in the jacuzzi looking at me whenever I'm swimming.

This really made my day. The crappy feeling I felt on Sunday was gone immediately :) Exercise (and praises) really keep sadness or depression away :)

Now, I'm ready for my next date! :D


Look what I found on my phone's draft folder...

Here are some thoughts that have been sitting on my phone's draft folder. Now to save some bytes,I'm now blogging them here (well not everything,I now deleted my conspiracy theory on al queda hahaha)

For me, the loneliest and most empowering experience is being helpless in the worst situation. Right then, I realized that I have nobody to depend on but myself. I am glad that I am able to get through those experiences in one piece.


Help is always there whenever you need it, just learn how to ask for it.


Anything that scares you will give you the most thrilling time of your life...whether it be bungee jumping or just falling in love :)



I think that the utmost service any person can do is to fulfill and satisfy the client's needs even beyond expectations...making them feel like they're your only client in the world even in the most challenging time.


On December 30 last year I wrote,

A cute teenage boy just smiled at me. I feel like a teenager...what's the age difference again to qualify as a cougar?


Ever felt that you don't have anything to say? Anything that you think is interesting and worthwhile sharing? I'm feeling like this for a long time now, hence, my very very active blog.

It is not that nothing is ever happening to me. A lot has been happening, I just don't feel like sharing.

I must be getting old that I just care less about anything superficial, trivial or political or I just lost that "mojo" for writing. Let's see in a few months (or years).

Hopefully I'd be able to wake up really early tomorrow morning. Will join my dad for biking around town.


My guardian angel for the night

I know mama and God is always there guiding or helping me whenever I needed it. They sent "Loida", a complete stranger, from out of nowhere. She guided me last night through a flooded street (flood is up to mid-thigh). She was my guardian angel for that night. Thank you, wherever you are.


Goodbye My Almost Lover Lyrics by A Fine Frenzy

You fingertips against my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind

You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy for you
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do


sauna incident

You know how your instincts work when you are in danger? That feeling that you should get out of the situation while you still can?

Good thing I did not faint in the sauna. I did throw up some saliva and water but I was fine after a few minutes. Whew. That was close. I thought people would just find me lying on the sauna floor.

It is the first time that that happened to me. I've been going there several times after my swim -- 30 laps in a 20 meter pool. I should not have stayed longer than I should.

Oh well another lesson learned. Thank God I did not totally fainted.


On marriage

I posted on facebook, "given the status of divorce and separation rates, do I want to get married?" without thinking how this would affect my best friend...who is getting married at the end of the year and who got me as one of her Maid of Honor. I felt bad after realizing what effect it might have on her and good thing she had the maturity and the security that the post did not come as a threat to her.

Sorry for being to selfish.

But we did get to talk about it. We talked about the issue of desperation, of time, of biological clock and of faith that the person you decided to be with is really the person God has given you to be with for the rest of your life.


People say I just have to believe that it works and that statistics are just statistics. But my opinion on marriage do not come from statistics alone. This came about from my own experiences, from the experiences of my friends, from the people I meet and date. The idea did not happen overnight. It came from years of thinking.

Sure, marriage is such a wonderful idea. To think that marriage does work gives you comfort that no matter what happens in your life there is one person out there for you, who would love you unconditionally apart from Jesus Christ and probably your parents.

Ideals doesn't happen most of the time in real life. People get married for the reasons that they are desperate, that time is against them, because they are pregnant, because there's no one else, for companionship....for love.

It is great if they get married out of love because somehow you'd know it's going to last but you hear cases that even if they were so in love in the beginning, they would still drift apart. There are marriages that lasted even if they got married for the not so ideal reasons. I guess it's the uncertainty that scares me. How would you know it's going to last? How would you know your partner would be faithful to you for life? How would you know that despite the differences, your partner will always be there for you? How can you secure happiness?

Making sense of it all.

As of the moment, it just doesn't make sense to me. What's with the piece of paper? If someone would be able to explain it to me logically...to make it more sensible, only then would I probably consider it.

The idea is just so good, but the practical application is well questionable.


Same Ground

My love,
Its been a long time since i cried
and left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.

Self-denial is a game
so strange i never would've
wanted till there was you.

cause i have learned that love is beyond
what human can imagine,
the more it clears the more i have to let you go.

thats why i don't understand why im feeling
so bad now when i know it was my idea.
i could've just denied the truth and
lied. now why am i the only one standing stranded
on the same ground?

My love,
Its been a long time since i cried
and left you out of the blue.
Its hard leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.

Self-denial is a game
so strange i never would've
wanted till there was you.

cause i'v learned that love is a
word just thrown a little bit too much.
the best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
i never have to if all else fail

thats why i don't understand why im feeling
so bad now when i know it was my idea.
i could've just denied the truth and
lied. now why am i the only one standing stranded
on the same ground?

thats why i don't understand why im feeling
so bad now when i know it was my idea.
i could've just denied the truth and
lied. now why am i the only one standing stranded
on the same ground?

if all else fails would you be there to love me?
when all else fail, would you be brave to see right
through me?

Same Ground
by Kitchie Nadal


On waistline and being healthy

I've decided to look at my waistline instead of my weight as basis for my exercise goal. So I learned that waistline should be between 39.5 to 48% of your height. Therefore, the normal and healthy waistline for my height should be between 24 to 29 inches. 2 more inches to go!


Just skipped a heart beat when I saw your message. If there is a limit for sending message replies I know your reply was waaaay beyond that period....but as you said, better late than never :)

I was really delighted that you did. I was super "kinikilig" with it. I'm really excited to see you and talk to you again. Now I can't help over analyzing this. I have to stop.

So far, you have made my wake-up moments pleasant. You just made my whole week with that message actually. And I have to admit that I keep reading it several times and it never fails to bring a smile on my face. I'm sooo pathetic right?

Anyway, my friend is not too happy about it because she thinks you're a jerk. I'd say I'd give you another chance :) Hope to see you in a couple of months or so.


you are giving me a heart ache right now. this is the reason why i don't want to fall in love :(

that is why i want to keep it in the cognitive level as much as possible :(

i think i should restrain myself from talking you again or from looking at your profile and pictures.


My Life in 2010 based on my FB statuses

One of the Facebook applications have came up with this cool idea of collecting (and selecting) all your statuses in the past months and create a neat collage of statuses...my life in 2010 based on my facebook statuses.

I'm posting mine here. I consider 2010 as the year of travel and adventure!


conquering the fear of rejection

for the first time in my life i have made the first move to tell someone that i really really like him to the point that i think i'm already in love with him.

the next question i asked myself and of him...given the current status and the time spent together, is it normal to be in love? literature have suggested several times that infatuation, the feeling of being in love, the love at first sight...happens instantly without prior significant experience. true love perhaps will take time...it's a long process and hard work.

so what happened after i told him that? nothing. i did not receive any replies. was i rejected? most probably (ignoring or not dealing with it is one way of rejecting), there was even no acknowledgment either. oh well. you can't expect people to react politely or gentlemanly. i must have scared him. he must think that i'm a psycho or something.

oh well.

i felt disappointed and sad, of course, upon realizing that i was rejected, but that feeling did not linger long. i'm only human and wishing that the reaction would be something positive or rather in my favor.

the good thing about this experience is, because it is the first time i've done this, it feels liberating. and it feels that whatever rejections come my way, i'd be ok. it's not scary at all. i used to fear it but now that i have conquered this fear i feel great!

kudos to me!

let's see who's going to be my next victim :)


My current emotional state

I'm like a deep water...calm on the surface but turbulent underneath.

Am I in love? I don't know. But for sure I am infatuated with someone right now and it is scary.

We are not in an exclusive relationship yet and I don't know if it will ever happen...there is just a possibility and I want to prepare myself for it.

It kinda sucks sometimes because I get jealous. And I don't usually get jealous or obsessive...but of course I don't let him see that I'm jealous or obsessive (I usually play it cool). I just get jealous sometimes when girls give him comments or when he comments to other girls on fb and I just can't help feeling hurt (is that normal?).

I don't like this feeling...that is why I have avoided falling in love because in the end after all the efforts...the emotion I go through I would just be rejected in the end...oh the pain (not just in my heart but on my ego as well)

And what's so enjoyable being in the state of infatuation? who enjoys sleepless nights? who enjoys getting out of focus because you can't help thinking about him? the yearning to be with him again? the "missing"? If I don't have a job and I have tons of money saved I would go back there again and stay there for a very long time.

I'm crazy. Quick! Give me a lobotomy!


32 years of existence in this world...

and what does it feel like? i feel awesome now! i feel good. i feel satisfied but i feel that there is more to come...more experiences and more adventures.

i refuse to not LIVE the rest of my life.

I'm less than half way to go considering the life expectancy of Filipino women (which is projected at 72 years by the way).

i've been doing the things i love...it may be hurting my pocket sometimes but what the heck, i'm living!!!

p.s. good to note that i'm not sick on my birthday. i was always sick the previous years.



I have asked for a change in my life under my breath. I have wished to go to Africa and work there...under my breath. I didn't know that God's ears was very sharp that he can hear prayers and wishes under my breath.

Now, I have the chance to make changes...major changes. The question is, am I brave enough to take it. Oh Lord...mother...help me decide.


Let's celebrate and have a good time! :D

What day is a working day that feels like a non-working holiday?

- a payday Friday where all your superiors are on vacation leave, no report deadlines and you have no client meetings the whole day!

Happy weekend everyone! :D


Do you want to be smart and be single for the rest of your life?

I read on the Internet somewhere and heard on the radio (like months ago) that smart women find it difficult to look for a mate.

Either I'm smart or women with partners are dumb.

Now, do I want to continue being smart or be dumb for a change?


My twisted mind

I believe in reincarnation and I always justify killing ants, cockroaches, rodents, mosquitoes and flies as an act of kindness (although it may have a bad karmic effect on my side). I'm thinking they probably don't want to live as pests. Anyway, I'm sure they'll be reincarnated to a "superior" living thing, not necessarily human by the way, a sycamore perhaps?

Now, how to justify killing human "pests".

On a different topic...

Funny how some guys in 'Pinas are nicknamed "pogi" (handsome) when by local and international standards they are not. The street urchin who has not showered for weeks would look more outstanding. However, there are few exceptions, of course. Only 1 out of 3 people I know is living up to his nickname.

Don't they (or their friends) shiver every time they are called by their nickname?


Love and Bungee Jumping

I was thinking about last night that love and bungee jumping are two experiences that are very similar. They are very much alike.

Here are the similarities:
> you take great risks
> it can be a matter of life and death situation
> it can cause you great joy or extreme pain
> you leap, dive and fall, trusting that the "rope" will save you or hoping the "air bag" will catch you
> it gives you butterflies in the stomach
> it can make you nauseous or light headed
> it's addicting
> it can be really scary

I think I am ready and willing to fall again....either to bungee jump or fall in love.


Last night, I was feeling like I had enough of everything...of everything insane that I have been doing for the past years.

I was wishing, while it was pouring hard last night, that the rain would wash me of the filth that I have coated myself in the past years. The filth that I used to cover the pain, to build the mask...the thing that I used to create a different personality...to push the limits of my morale and values...and the eradication of the good principles and beliefs I had when I was still innocent and naive.

I was walking for three blocks from where I came. I was thinking "Damn, I should not have wasted my time in that fucking place". However I think at that time, I think it did me good. Having time alone again to think...to reflect on what has been happening...is always good. How do I stop this? How do I get back to the place I was before? When everything is simple and uncomplicated? I was mentally fighting with myself. I was convincing myself that what I'm doing now is not complicated...it is simple in fact...it would lessen heart aches. But it is slowly killing me...it is slowly creating an intolerance to having genuine long lasting feelings of love.

I couldn't find a cab home so I walked 4 blocks. I was still fighting with myself even when I got home and about to sleep, I'm still having my internal battles. Everyone experience this several times in their lives and I'm no exception. The question is when do I stop and decide finally.

Oh it's so much fun still to be doing the things I do but until when?

When I was about to slid to dream land. I can hear myself say to myself, don't worry there's still tomorrow to change...there's still hope.



i thought i had the pleasure of having sex with just one american actor...i didn't know i had sex with two american actors.

the 1st guy. he told me that he was a part time model but i didn't know he was an actor too and he starred in many B? C? films about violence, sex and war.

the 2nd guy. this guy i know from the start that he's a part time actor (he got a part in a movie starred by will smith, pursuit of happiness)

wow. that made me feel really pretty ") special? no, not really. it was just a cool thought that actors were interested in me, i mean considering the girls who would literally throw their panties at them.


should i?

should i make myself noticed?
should i make myself heard?
should i just remain quiet?
let myself feel the hurt?

for your sake i will remain silent
try not to make my presence felt
will just observe you from a distance
happy to steal just a glance

i don't want to create discomfort
irritation, trouble or confusion
i just want to love you from afar
just hiding, peeping through a door ajar

i saw this poem sitting on my list of posts as draft. i started writing this in March 2009 and I never got to finish it until now.

Elevators and decapitation

I know this is kind of morbid but I always think of decapitation by elevator whenever I would ride the elevator. Must be influenced by some Hollywood horror flick.

Is that so sad or just disturbing?