Go ahead! Dare to ask!

One of the things I learned in this life is if you want something, be humble enough to ask for it.

No matter what it is, be thick faced and ask for it. There's nothing to loose and you have a bigger probability that you will get or receive what you ask for.

So go ahead, dare to ask!

Carpe diem!

although i'm shy to assert myself most of the time hehehe...

Lotus 2 12-28-2009

@ Jojo's house

Lotus 1 12-28-2009

@ Jojo's house

Koi 12-28-2009

@ Jojo's house

Wolfgang concert 03-19-2009

Manuel...I crush you!!!:-*

Bayabas...

sa bakuran ni lola.

Ferris wheel

Along pasig river

Dreaming of winning

Lrt2 going to recto

Reflections 1

If I face the same problems and issues year after year, have I really improved?

If I have learned from my mistakes, I wouldn't be experiencing the same problems and issues...

Would I be able to say I have grown closer to my ideal person?

Still thinking of you

Currently listening to Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley

It's been over 3 months since we last saw each other. I still think of Frank from time to time...well everyday...twice a day the very least...when I woke up and when I am about to sleep.

Would always check on his profile whenever I log on to a social networking site. Would even sometimes google his name...sooooo pathetic.

I am waiting for the day when I will no longer think of him. For now, will torture myself a bit longer (I don't know for how long actually) with memories of him and me together, albeit few, it was memorable...or at least when someone replaces him in my mind or my heart.

Random thoughts (news headlines edition)

On the Hayden and Katrina Halili

I seriously believe that the press or the media has the moral obligation to present newsworthy articles...by newsworthy I mean news that has a big impact or meaning in the lives of the greater population whether good or bad.

What impact or meaning does this scandal have in my life or anyone's life? This issue should have been in the entertainment section not in the headlines.

P.S.
It's a waste of my money (tax payer's money) to have elected senators such as Bong Revilla

On another eye-catching picture on the headlines

Shannelle Loraine and Jeanette Lee dazzle the crowd with their boobs...I mean pool skills during the opening of the JBETpoker.net women's world 10-Ball championship at SM City North Edsa 3 days ago.

Random thoughts for the day

Hmmm di na namin nakakasabay si soulmate ah...mabuti naman...at least di masyado mainit sa fx.

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Di ko na din nakakasbay si ombre sa elevator ah. Promise mag-hi ako or bibigyan ko sya ng matamis kong ngiti pag nakasabay ko ulit


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Lesson for the day:

Never allow yourself to be photographed wearing something awkward. It will be the end of your career if in case you become famous in the future.

At limang pisong alikabok

Dakong alas-siete hanggang alas-nuwebe pasado sa umaga, may mga nagtitinda ng ulam sa may sidewalk ng intersection ng Kalayaan Ave at Fort Bonifacio.

"Ale, pagbilan nga po ng kanin, beinte pesos na pakbet...at limang pisong alikabok."

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Tangina, Binay for President????!!!! (nakasulat sa isang poste malapit sa flyover papuntang edsa galing ng Kalayaan ave sa makati) Tangina. Feeling mo ikaw si Obama???

Mugen

Last night I was at Mugen in Metrowalk in Pasig, a very loud bar and restaurant (the kind that would take out the wax off of your ear and leave you asking "what?" the whole evening everytime you try to have a conversation. It's the kind of place you would take a date if you are terrified or just don't want to talk to your date), with a friend.

The bands were OK. The first band was uber funny. The 2nd band's performance was awesome and their keyboardist was too cute...reminds me of the lead singer of the Jonas brothers (I forgot his name) but too boyish (or young) for my taste but good enough to be an eye candy. I liked some of the songs they played...some because most of them played R&B.

Some people may have the impression that I'm a party goer. I go to those places because some of my friends enjoy going there. I did enjoy going there but last night I realized it's not really my thing. Despite being a rocker, I'd prefer going to a nice quiet place where I can have a good conversation with an interesting person rather than go to a very loud and sometimes confusing (with all the lights going around, I don't know where to focus) place.

Ay nako itay.

Sabado Lunch:

Papa: Alam mo dapat tinitigilan mo na ang pag-inom ng softdrinks. Malakas makataba yan.
Ako: Masarap kasi sa ulam na 'to (laing) parang magkapartner sila.
Papa: I'd rather see you drink beer than drink softdrinks
Ako (sa sarili ko lang): Ayos ah!
Papa: Did you know that beer is a food? (Insert history of beer here)

Tuesday Agahan:

Papa: (smiling deviously)
Ako: O bakit mo ako nginingitian ng ganyan?
Papa: Wala lang...I'm trying to figure out how I can outwit my daughter...
Ako: Mukha mo!

Missing you.

I am badly missing Frank :( I hate to admit this but I am badly missing him.

I'm actually too proud to admit this but I really do miss him.

It's getting annoying...in a good way...because every morning every time I wake up all I think about is him. When I take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work, while working, before going to sleep.

I miss him. But now he's gone...most probably dating someone....and it's most probably all my fault.

I should have expressed my feelings more...but I'm just too scared to show it. Hiding inside a tough exterior...pretending to be not affected...pretending that everything is ok when it's not ok.

...would it really make any difference if I did anything?

FLAMES!

Because I am kind of bored even if I have a deadline for report and presentation tomorrow I tried this online FLAMES (Friends, Lover, Affection, Marriage, Enemy, Sister) game....(and also because I can't help it)

I gave four names of guys namely: Frank, Navy Guy, Mr. Spidey, and Mr. C3.

Here are the results of the FLAMES:

Frank - Marriage
Navy Guy - Affection
Mr. Spidey - Friends
Mr. C3 - Friends

Kinilig ako sa results hahahaha. Sana magkatotoo ano?!

Haay...ang babaw talaga ng kaligayahan ko...tsk tsk tsk

Thank God for Rainbows!

This morning, while on my way to my client in Alabang, I saw a very beautiful rainbow. It was sooo big, I can't get my eyes off of it.

It felt like I was looking at it for the first time. I can't get the smile off my face. I felt so grateful and thankful to God for creating that rainbow. The sight overwhelmed me. It has touched me so much that I almost cried.

It is telling me that everything's gonna be just fine.

Right before your eyes, I am changing.

The road to transformation

The past years have been a roller coaster ride. I was extremely happy and I was extremely sad. Mostly sad because things didn't turned out the way I wanted it to be. Sad because I lost the people I love.

I have changed in more ways than one and I don't think I could ever go back to the same person I used to be. I have transformed myself physically, cognitively and emotionally. I made myself more appealing to people and not just intellectually stimulating. I somehow changed my perspectives to that of a guy - to just accept things the way they are, not make too much fuss about it and as much as possible try not to make an over analysis. Get over it-Suck it up-Accept the crap-Leave it-Move on.

I'm not sure if the transformation is good or bad...I'm still trying to figure it out and I am in no way near ending the process. I just started 8 years ago. Am I learning something about these experiences and experimentations? Yes, a whole lot. But at the same time, it has also installed in me a fear (I know it's irrational because of all people I should know best about the danger of generalization but the influx of personal and other people's experience over the years have unintentionally formed some conclusions that I subconsciously use to "protect" myself, ok now I'm rationalizing) when it comes to having relationships.

I feel like I am making myself more insensitive (not strong) by controlling expressions of emotions and by keeping everything, as much as possible, to the cognitive level...even sex. I have learned to change my perspectives over the years to control my reactions and my emotions. The "defense mechanism" is not yet perfect but it's getting there. However, I have a feeling that this is making me less of a woman...even less of a human being. I really don't know (yet). I'm still transforming.

I have attracted several guys in this little experiment of mine. I know I have hurt some of them, I may have contributed to their own transformations and present outlook in life, and I may have even ruined relationships for some in the process (I know I have to pay for this someday or in my next life, it's the Universal Law of Compensation). And for what? For my ego's satisfaction, for adventure, for creating drama, for boredom, for attention, for love, for living the life and for whatever crap. I'm not even considering of having a noble reason for doing the things I do. It's my escapade. It's part of a road to self-discovery and this road or this adventure will only end when I die.

Relasyon relacion relathion relationship

Note: All names are fictitious, of course.

Navy Guy

During the first years of the experimentation, I fell unintentionally head over heels in love with someone for the first time (First I think all "falling in love" is unintentional, I mean I don't even like this guy when we were going out, I was just being nice and friendly. I just woke up one day and realized fuck I'm in love. Second, he is not my first boyfriend, he's my second boyfriend. I didn't really consider my first boyfriend as significant because it was more of a result of peer pressure or trend like fashion). I would have gone to the moon and back with Navy guy. I was overly optimistic. I have proven that love can actually make people blind. I was truly convinced that he and I would be together forever at 22. But happiness is not permanent, love - at least our love - cannot withstand the miles between us and because of the loneliness and the longing and the proximity of this guy with another girl (which is very very short), it is only a matter of time before everything would fall out of place. Betrayal is inevitable in the kind of relationship we had (and in most of my romantic and platonic relationships) and so, before my eyes, I saw my world crushed for the first time. Fidelity, loyalty, honesty, and commitment are only for the strong. I remained strong even after almost two years of break up.

It took me almost a decade to get over the Navy guy. I intentionally meet and hook up with people in the hope of quickly getting over this Navy guy (There's Mr. Lion Heart, Mr. I-forgot-his-name, Mr. Shades, The Nurse, Mr. Spidey, and Ford Guy). I thought that having another relationship with another guy would help me move on. I even had a date twice in a day with two different persons. I became desperate and did things my mom for sure wouldn't be too happy to know about.

Mr. Spidey

And then along came Mr. Spidey. I must admit that at first I intended to use him to get over the Navy Guy (I'm so cruel, I know). I intentionally forced to create some romantic feelings for him. It did not succeed in the first try of our relationship. We eventually ended the first series because I cannot stand being with Mr. Spidey if I'm still in love with the Navy guy. (Of course, Mr. Spidey thought that I broke up with him for a different reason, not because of Navy guy). I was struck by my moral conscience. Imagine that! I have a conscience!!!

The second series with Mr. Spidey was more like serendipity. I was totally buying the idea of destiny at this time. Like I was already thinking we're probably meant to be because of this cliché crap "let him go, if he comes back then you're meant to be and if he doesn't he never was".

We met in the oddest of circumstances! Who would have thought that I would be at that place at that day at that time (my building is located South-West of Metro Manila while he lives and works at the Far North East of Metro Manila, it's on a week day, and at like 12-ish in the morning? Yes, we're still working that time...slave to work) The last time I saw him was 2006 (before that probably 2004), and I was actually thinking at the time that I might not be able to go back to the Philippines for at least 5 years. He even thought that I was still in the US because I never sent any messages to him that I'm back in Manila. I mean what's the point of letting him know, I have no intention of getting back at him.

And so there we were, was telling him some of the things new and old. It was a brief exchange of things. I was giving him some crap reasons why I did not let him know I was back (it was more than a year since I came back) and then he asked for my new number. He sent messages. I wasn't really interested but I would reply just to pass time or because I have nothing better to do. We talked on the phone...it took him weeks before he finally got the guts to talk to me on the phone. It took him two months before he asked me to go out...I agreed. He said that he's engaged to be married (I was thinking "...and so?"). He told me that he loved me. He never ceased to love me. I was like awww that's the sweetest thing.
Ford guy and me aren't dating anymore so what the heck. My ego kicked in. At this time, my moral conscience is hibernating. I took advantage of the situation. It's far more challenging to get someone who's already engaged to be married in a matter of 4months (that's what he said). Plus, I've never been in this situation. I was curious. I was excited. I was devious.

My friends would say to me that I am "kupal" emeritus. Yes, I did have the balls to enter a "forbidden" relationship. Most of them wouldn't understand why I'm wasting my time and emotions in that kind of relationship. I told them he's not married yet. He loves me. There’s no law prohibiting an engaged guy to have a relationship with a single female. I'm more like giving the girl a favor; I'm rescuing her from a defective, pseudo-marital life. Right.

There are things that I can learn from all of these. I'm always the one who is betrayed by my boyfriends. Guys who are already married want to date me. I want to understand what's going on inside the heads of these women even if they know that the man they're with are already taken. I just want to experience what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. "You're crazy!" my friends would always say. I know, but it's all in the name of science and ego! I was in a deeper shit than I have imagined. I'm sure karma would hunt me for the rest of my life even to my next life. The relationship did not end on a good note. It's like a bubble that just bursted out of thin air. No more talks, no more goodbyes...it just ended.

Frank

A month and a half later, I met Frank at a friend's birthday party. I can feel that there was an initial attraction. I have decided after the second meeting that I'm going to intentionally let myself fall for this guy. It turned out I was consciously and subconsciously even probably unconsciously really falling for this guy. He's nice, he's really smart, gorgeous, intellectually, physically and sexually stimulating, and funny in his own way...all the necessary things I want in a guy. What more could I ask for?

My mind is reasoning that I should stop myself from falling because of the circumstances we are in would make it difficult for us to have a relationship. My mind has already done calculations of different scenarios and outcomes if we are to have a relationship. The odds are against us. I have convinced myself (and probably Frank) that this is not going to work out (Probably the major thing that about this never going to work out is because we've already decided that it's really not going to work out, and so we did not exerted any more effort than we should to make it happen). Even if my heart would have thought otherwise (You are talking to my brain damnit! Confused? Refer to above topic "Road to Transformation"). He prioritizes his work and career. I prioritize my work and my career too but honestly, I'm willing to trade this for a piece of heaven. It's just so sad that if we are in a different circumstance, my relationship with Frank would have been beautiful.

(...Or probably he's not really that into me that he'd rather work or date other people. Oh fuck, I'm always contradicting myself. I'm not bitter ok?)

I'm just really sad that things did not turn out the way I wanted it to be. It was like breaking up with a real boyfriend. I already think that I am in love with him (so it's not just a feeling of extreme infatuation and of jealousy towards one of his friends, as I would like to think, it's already recognized and accepted in the cognitive level). And it is very rare for me to have those kinds of feelings. I don't get jealous easily and I don't fall in love for anyone easily...it would take me usually months or even years before I would have a crush with any person.

I'm glad that we were able to talk things out unlike my two previous significant relationships. But the thing here is that he never was my boyfriend...and so probably, expectations are set to a minimum. It's clear for the both of us what kind of relationship we have. Actually it was only at the end of that relationship that I fully understood what "exclusively dating" is all about (It was my first time to "exclusively date" a guy)

Ending

People would probably ask me, aren't you tired of riding the roller coaster of life? Of course, I do get tired. I do lose hope from time to time. Who wouldn't? I get tired just by reading this. Imagine, I was a mistress, an fb, and heartbroken (twice)...who wouldn't get tired with this kind of life...and this is just one part of my life. But it doesn't mean that I would stop from taking in more new and old experiences, from taking in more shit from other people, from getting my heart broken over and over and over again. Life would be boring without the challenges, the drama, the love, the excitement, the adventure, even crappy (I'm so fond of using the word crap) people gives spice or (more like bitterness) to life. There's a whole spectrum of events I'm willing to engage in. There's still a lot to learn and to experience out of this life and I want to experience it all (except probably genocide, murder, euthanasia, abortion, synthetic drugs, S&M...).

Marry my son!!!

I don't know what got into the heads of these fathers but 2 of my friend's dad wanted me to either marry their son or become their girlfriend.

Gay Friend

GF: My dad said to me, why don't I marry you? He would be extremely happy if we did. I mean like we're friends. You're the only girl I'm willing to marry. But between the two of us, I'm the one who's going to wear the wedding gown.

ME: Tell your dad that if that happens, if ever we would get married, which I think is uberly utterly super duper mega impossible, the world will crumble to pieces. It's going to be a start of apocalypse. The earth will eat us alive. ....lightning will strike you....

GF: Ok...ok...ok....I get it. It's just a wishful thinking.


Barkada Friend

I kissed my BF's mom goodbye. She was asking me to stay for lunch but I don't want to overstay my welcome.

ME: I have to go. Thank you for letting me stay for the night.

BF: Bye. Thank you for coming over for my birthday (hugs me and gives me a peck on the cheek)

BF's dad: Where's your boyfriend? Someone should take you home.

ME: I just sort of broke up with someone. I don't have a boyfriend.

BF's dad: Why don't you take BF as your boyfriend???? He's free!

BF: Whaaatttt?????

I just smiled and walked away.