Last night, I was feeling like I had enough of everything...of everything insane that I have been doing for the past years.

I was wishing, while it was pouring hard last night, that the rain would wash me of the filth that I have coated myself in the past years. The filth that I used to cover the pain, to build the mask...the thing that I used to create a different personality...to push the limits of my morale and values...and the eradication of the good principles and beliefs I had when I was still innocent and naive.

I was walking for three blocks from where I came. I was thinking "Damn, I should not have wasted my time in that fucking place". However I think at that time, I think it did me good. Having time alone again to think...to reflect on what has been happening...is always good. How do I stop this? How do I get back to the place I was before? When everything is simple and uncomplicated? I was mentally fighting with myself. I was convincing myself that what I'm doing now is not complicated...it is simple in fact...it would lessen heart aches. But it is slowly killing me...it is slowly creating an intolerance to having genuine long lasting feelings of love.

I couldn't find a cab home so I walked 4 blocks. I was still fighting with myself even when I got home and about to sleep, I'm still having my internal battles. Everyone experience this several times in their lives and I'm no exception. The question is when do I stop and decide finally.

Oh it's so much fun still to be doing the things I do but until when?

When I was about to slid to dream land. I can hear myself say to myself, don't worry there's still tomorrow to change...there's still hope.