Sucks to be me.

When friends around you start getting hooked up, are planning to get married, or had a new baby, you can't help wonder when are these things going to happen to you. You get impatient, you suddenly feel lonely, then sad, then pathetic and then do things you thought would somehow fill out the void inside of you.

I just received a sad news today. I learned from a common friend that, Frank, whom I am hoping to be my one and only, decided to commit (I have to admit I was kind of hurt. I can feel the blood going up my brains and I was about to hyperventilate if not for my nagging cough). Months ago, we broke off our exclusively dating status because he said he wasn't ready at the time to commit and he doesn't want the idea of a long distance relationship. It was the "it's me, not you" case. Timing wasn't just perfect.

Sometimes I think love happens not because it's the right person but because of perfect timing. It felt right at the time with a person and not it felt right with the person at any given time. If so, it's best to wait for the perfect time and not wait for the perfect person. Does this make any sense?

Time.

I am more and more feeling that I am running out of time...as what my brother would say "naiiwanan ka na ng biyahe". The "bus" may as well have already left the building. What's the point of waiting?

I am getting more convinced that there really is no one out there for me. He may as well be, as mentioned in the previous post, probably "somewhere out there, in another galaxy or different dimension" and it would probably take me 100 life times before we could meet. He might need to create a technology that can warp from space to space, from time to time or from dimension to dimension.

Another thing that sucks is that you are convinced that by using your will power, the freedom to create opportunities, you don't have to wait anymore. I had a discussion last night with friends that our destiny is predetermined. I strongly contested the idea because I always believe that "destiny lies not in the stars but in our hands". Besides if this is true, there is no sense in experiencing suffering, pain and joy if the outcome is still going to be the same. Why the hell would I make the effort then if nothing can change my destiny. I can just sit back relax and let things happen. Anyway, we know we're all going down to a predetermined destiny.

That sucks.

Right now, with the things happening, I'm thinking that I will grow old alone.

This really sucks.



To Frank, I love you but I have to cut all the electronic ties that bind us because I don't want to be tempted ever to view your profile and see you change your relationship status.

Love sucks.