it took me a friend, 3 weeks of cough and colds, and a sex and the city movie for me to realize that i shouldn't give up on the one thing that could possibly ever make me happy...and no it's not just chocolates.
everytime i would get my heart break i always take a note to self that men cannot be trusted...they're incapable of loving and are infidels...i have proven this to what seems a thousand times. i have let my heart been broken over and over again. well it's not entirely their fault...i must admit it takes two to tango...probably one of the reasons why it never worked is that i'm too afraid to get hurt to take the courage and just take a leap allow myself to fall in love.
it's always the case that when i found out that i'm in love the guy is already off with another girl. too late to fight too afraid to fight because the feeling is that it's not worth it anymore...or probably because i was never in love in the first place so why bother fighting...i'm trying to put logic in this but i can't. the other side of my brain is saying one thing and the other side is saying another thing. i just can't make up my mind.
all these things i am writing down is all gibberish. i thought i realized something and then lost it...again.
i was supposed to say that i am fully aware of my issues...after the introductory seminar i attended months ago that should be life changing. i even shared this to a friend and the other night she reminded me again of the realizations i had. i know i'm back in my shithole again. it's more comfortable, it's effortless to go back because i know they're always available and willing.
it's hard work. i'm tired of working hard. i'm even thinking of going somewhere...out of this country...not in the americas probably in europe or middle east....just to have a different surrounding and people.
why is it that it takes years, suffering, hard work and tears to get where i wanted to be? does it really take this much? why can't it just flow like air or water?
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