dapat lola na ako ngayon

two months ago, i decided to change my career to counseling or teaching and since then i still don’t have a job. i am slowly losing motivation in looking for a job in that field and so i tried applying to other jobs that may have use for my knowledge and skills. i really have no experience in counseling and teaching, except for my practicum during college and the training and exercises provided by the school.

i was happy when a government agency responded to my application, although i’m really a bit pessimistic because there are many applicants who are qualified for the position. out of the 500 applicants, only 100 were called for the first examination. i was one of the lucky ones.

we asked the representative how many positions are available considering the large number of applicants considered for the examinations and they said just only 1. i thought it was ridiculous. how lucrative can a program assistant position be to go through this tedious process of hiring the best person for this position? my dad thinks so too. they added that after the first examination, only 40 applicants will be notified for the second examination. i still think it’s ridiculous.

after a week, i received another notification from organization informing me that i was one of the qualified applicants for the second examination. i was thrilled! out of the 100 applicants, only 50 were called for the second examination and i was one of them.

i told my parents about this that night. although they didn’t really showed it to me, i know they were also excited. then the morning after, my mom was trying to convince me to take up law or an mba degree because she feels that a career in education or counseling is not for me. and some of my aunties think that law suits my personality. she’s encouraging me to go back to consulting again or to work in a big time company. she worried that i might not get the financial satisfaction if i would continue to pursue my career in counseling. i know she means well and wants the best for me but i’m not really sure if that is what i want.

my mom is my number one fan. she thinks and believes that i can do anything and that i am better than most people. she is very proud of me and sometimes i fear that i might not meet her expectations. although i know she will still love me no matter what my decisions are.

i just feel pressured.

when lunch came we were talking about our family business and then her plans of retiring from her company. we were asking her at what age she plans to retire? and then she blurted out that she wanted to retire hopefully soon to hopefully take care of her grandchildren “dapat lola na ako ngayon!” she said.

background check: i’m the eldest of three. my brothers are still both in school and have no interest whatsoever with girls, especially the youngest. they’re not gays, they’re just not interested. well, at least that’s what they told me.

this is not the first time that my mom would sort of pressure me to look for someone or have a baby. this started before i even graduated from college. so you would just imagine the pressure for me to look for someone.

in response to her question “kelan kaya ako magkaka-apo?” i would always tell her “kelan mo gusto? bukas?” because i sometimes get fed up with her, then she would respond “ayaw ko naman ng ganon.” “ayun naman pala e, intay ka lang muna.” “naiinip na ako e”.

although i’m not really pressured, i just sometimes feel annoyed because i don’t think it’s easy to have a romantic relationship with anyone especially when you’re still hung up on someone. i dated a lot of people before, but i can’t seem to find the right person that i think i can be with. and i think i also got tired of trying to look for someone that i could spend the rest of my life with. maybe it’s just not my time. my mom just has to wait. and i just might have to expand my patience more when my mom would start complaining to me about giving her grandchildren.