what is the purpose of my existence?

last week we were discussing about existential therapy and interestingly enough i am having a dilemma that may have a connection with existentialism. in the past weeks, or should i say since i started taking my hormonal pills again i am feeling a little bit depressed. well, this may have been brought by my changes in my mood due to the medicines that i have been taking but aside from my sadness i am questioning again for the nth time my purpose in life.

i would usually write all my observations about things and my feelings on certain situations and realizations that i experienced. i was very enthusiastic but lately i don't have the excitement to write unlike before. i haven't been paying attention to the things that are happening around me. i haven't been learning. i felt that i don't have anything to write or to share to my readers. opportunities – work opportunities, business opportunities – come but i do not grab them. i have lost my motivation to do anything. i've been lazy with the responsibilities i have and with my school work. i have no intention and initiative to go out and socialize unless my friends would come to my house and ask me to go out.

we were discussing about the walking dead. well, i guess i'm one of those zombies. i felt that nothing interests me anymore. although i know i have a lot of things to do and i know i have the power to change my perception over what i am feeling right now, after all it's just a matter of deciding whether to stay unhappy or do something about this sadness.

it is as if i have decided, since i don't have the one thing i really want in my life, to stay sad, to feel worthless, to feel that i have no purpose in life. it is not the first time that i have thought or i have wished that i was dead. the first memory that i have with the wish to die was when i was in elementary. i have so much hate then but in the past years i have resolved them because i know what causes my pain and my depression. but now, i don't know how to resolve this since i haven't realized yet where this sadness is coming from.

over and over, i ask myself. what is my purpose? what is my meaning? what am i doing here? what should i be doing? is this the right path for me? is this where i should be?

i hope someday i'll realize the answers to my questions. i hope i find the truth.