Random churvaloos

Waiting
Dec. 18, 2011

While waiting for my turn at the toilet at a restaurant, the guy behind me said, "waiting."

i said, "yeah." i thought that's what we actually do most of our lives. waiting.

waiting for something exciting to happen, waiting for the next big thing, the next birthday, the next Christmas, next job, next love...


Qumoquotable quotes:
Dec 23, 2011

Gay friend: you like kakanin ha (because i'm going to make suman)san ka kukuha ng roasted beef?

Me: it's tradition...sa palengke...bibili ako tapos gagawin ko may recipe naman

GF: pwede ba akong makipamasko sa iyo...sabay sleep over ako sa place mo

Me: sure!

GF: adopt a friend program ka

Me: you are very welcome. isasama pa kita habang mamamasko sa mga lola ko

GF: yan ang gusto ko sa iyo eh. love na love mo ako hahaha buti na lang nde ako straight chenelar hahaha

Me: hahaha. if straight guys would know me like you know me...you think they'd fall in love? hahahaa

GF: oo naman. mapag mahal ka naman and you give it all. so why not?

Me: too bad lang they didn't stay long to get to know me like you do
hahaha parang pang ending quote of the year lang hahaha

Random thoughts (news headlines edition)

On the Hayden and Katrina Halili

I seriously believe that the press or the media has the moral obligation to present newsworthy articles...by newsworthy I mean news that has a big impact or meaning in the lives of the greater population whether good or bad.

What impact or meaning does this scandal have in my life or anyone's life? This issue should have been in the entertainment section not in the headlines.

P.S.
It's a waste of my money (tax payer's money) to have elected senators such as Bong Revilla

On another eye-catching picture on the headlines

Shannelle Loraine and Jeanette Lee dazzle the crowd with their boobs...I mean pool skills during the opening of the JBETpoker.net women's world 10-Ball championship at SM City North Edsa 3 days ago.

Missing you.

I am badly missing Frank :( I hate to admit this but I am badly missing him.

I'm actually too proud to admit this but I really do miss him.

It's getting annoying...in a good way...because every morning every time I wake up all I think about is him. When I take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work, while working, before going to sleep.

I miss him. But now he's gone...most probably dating someone....and it's most probably all my fault.

I should have expressed my feelings more...but I'm just too scared to show it. Hiding inside a tough exterior...pretending to be not affected...pretending that everything is ok when it's not ok.

...would it really make any difference if I did anything?

Thank God for Rainbows!

This morning, while on my way to my client in Alabang, I saw a very beautiful rainbow. It was sooo big, I can't get my eyes off of it.

It felt like I was looking at it for the first time. I can't get the smile off my face. I felt so grateful and thankful to God for creating that rainbow. The sight overwhelmed me. It has touched me so much that I almost cried.

It is telling me that everything's gonna be just fine.

Right before your eyes, I am changing.

The road to transformation

The past years have been a roller coaster ride. I was extremely happy and I was extremely sad. Mostly sad because things didn't turned out the way I wanted it to be. Sad because I lost the people I love.

I have changed in more ways than one and I don't think I could ever go back to the same person I used to be. I have transformed myself physically, cognitively and emotionally. I made myself more appealing to people and not just intellectually stimulating. I somehow changed my perspectives to that of a guy - to just accept things the way they are, not make too much fuss about it and as much as possible try not to make an over analysis. Get over it-Suck it up-Accept the crap-Leave it-Move on.

I'm not sure if the transformation is good or bad...I'm still trying to figure it out and I am in no way near ending the process. I just started 8 years ago. Am I learning something about these experiences and experimentations? Yes, a whole lot. But at the same time, it has also installed in me a fear (I know it's irrational because of all people I should know best about the danger of generalization but the influx of personal and other people's experience over the years have unintentionally formed some conclusions that I subconsciously use to "protect" myself, ok now I'm rationalizing) when it comes to having relationships.

I feel like I am making myself more insensitive (not strong) by controlling expressions of emotions and by keeping everything, as much as possible, to the cognitive level...even sex. I have learned to change my perspectives over the years to control my reactions and my emotions. The "defense mechanism" is not yet perfect but it's getting there. However, I have a feeling that this is making me less of a woman...even less of a human being. I really don't know (yet). I'm still transforming.

I have attracted several guys in this little experiment of mine. I know I have hurt some of them, I may have contributed to their own transformations and present outlook in life, and I may have even ruined relationships for some in the process (I know I have to pay for this someday or in my next life, it's the Universal Law of Compensation). And for what? For my ego's satisfaction, for adventure, for creating drama, for boredom, for attention, for love, for living the life and for whatever crap. I'm not even considering of having a noble reason for doing the things I do. It's my escapade. It's part of a road to self-discovery and this road or this adventure will only end when I die.

Relasyon relacion relathion relationship

Note: All names are fictitious, of course.

Navy Guy

During the first years of the experimentation, I fell unintentionally head over heels in love with someone for the first time (First I think all "falling in love" is unintentional, I mean I don't even like this guy when we were going out, I was just being nice and friendly. I just woke up one day and realized fuck I'm in love. Second, he is not my first boyfriend, he's my second boyfriend. I didn't really consider my first boyfriend as significant because it was more of a result of peer pressure or trend like fashion). I would have gone to the moon and back with Navy guy. I was overly optimistic. I have proven that love can actually make people blind. I was truly convinced that he and I would be together forever at 22. But happiness is not permanent, love - at least our love - cannot withstand the miles between us and because of the loneliness and the longing and the proximity of this guy with another girl (which is very very short), it is only a matter of time before everything would fall out of place. Betrayal is inevitable in the kind of relationship we had (and in most of my romantic and platonic relationships) and so, before my eyes, I saw my world crushed for the first time. Fidelity, loyalty, honesty, and commitment are only for the strong. I remained strong even after almost two years of break up.

It took me almost a decade to get over the Navy guy. I intentionally meet and hook up with people in the hope of quickly getting over this Navy guy (There's Mr. Lion Heart, Mr. I-forgot-his-name, Mr. Shades, The Nurse, Mr. Spidey, and Ford Guy). I thought that having another relationship with another guy would help me move on. I even had a date twice in a day with two different persons. I became desperate and did things my mom for sure wouldn't be too happy to know about.

Mr. Spidey

And then along came Mr. Spidey. I must admit that at first I intended to use him to get over the Navy Guy (I'm so cruel, I know). I intentionally forced to create some romantic feelings for him. It did not succeed in the first try of our relationship. We eventually ended the first series because I cannot stand being with Mr. Spidey if I'm still in love with the Navy guy. (Of course, Mr. Spidey thought that I broke up with him for a different reason, not because of Navy guy). I was struck by my moral conscience. Imagine that! I have a conscience!!!

The second series with Mr. Spidey was more like serendipity. I was totally buying the idea of destiny at this time. Like I was already thinking we're probably meant to be because of this cliché crap "let him go, if he comes back then you're meant to be and if he doesn't he never was".

We met in the oddest of circumstances! Who would have thought that I would be at that place at that day at that time (my building is located South-West of Metro Manila while he lives and works at the Far North East of Metro Manila, it's on a week day, and at like 12-ish in the morning? Yes, we're still working that time...slave to work) The last time I saw him was 2006 (before that probably 2004), and I was actually thinking at the time that I might not be able to go back to the Philippines for at least 5 years. He even thought that I was still in the US because I never sent any messages to him that I'm back in Manila. I mean what's the point of letting him know, I have no intention of getting back at him.

And so there we were, was telling him some of the things new and old. It was a brief exchange of things. I was giving him some crap reasons why I did not let him know I was back (it was more than a year since I came back) and then he asked for my new number. He sent messages. I wasn't really interested but I would reply just to pass time or because I have nothing better to do. We talked on the phone...it took him weeks before he finally got the guts to talk to me on the phone. It took him two months before he asked me to go out...I agreed. He said that he's engaged to be married (I was thinking "...and so?"). He told me that he loved me. He never ceased to love me. I was like awww that's the sweetest thing.
Ford guy and me aren't dating anymore so what the heck. My ego kicked in. At this time, my moral conscience is hibernating. I took advantage of the situation. It's far more challenging to get someone who's already engaged to be married in a matter of 4months (that's what he said). Plus, I've never been in this situation. I was curious. I was excited. I was devious.

My friends would say to me that I am "kupal" emeritus. Yes, I did have the balls to enter a "forbidden" relationship. Most of them wouldn't understand why I'm wasting my time and emotions in that kind of relationship. I told them he's not married yet. He loves me. There’s no law prohibiting an engaged guy to have a relationship with a single female. I'm more like giving the girl a favor; I'm rescuing her from a defective, pseudo-marital life. Right.

There are things that I can learn from all of these. I'm always the one who is betrayed by my boyfriends. Guys who are already married want to date me. I want to understand what's going on inside the heads of these women even if they know that the man they're with are already taken. I just want to experience what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. "You're crazy!" my friends would always say. I know, but it's all in the name of science and ego! I was in a deeper shit than I have imagined. I'm sure karma would hunt me for the rest of my life even to my next life. The relationship did not end on a good note. It's like a bubble that just bursted out of thin air. No more talks, no more goodbyes...it just ended.

Frank

A month and a half later, I met Frank at a friend's birthday party. I can feel that there was an initial attraction. I have decided after the second meeting that I'm going to intentionally let myself fall for this guy. It turned out I was consciously and subconsciously even probably unconsciously really falling for this guy. He's nice, he's really smart, gorgeous, intellectually, physically and sexually stimulating, and funny in his own way...all the necessary things I want in a guy. What more could I ask for?

My mind is reasoning that I should stop myself from falling because of the circumstances we are in would make it difficult for us to have a relationship. My mind has already done calculations of different scenarios and outcomes if we are to have a relationship. The odds are against us. I have convinced myself (and probably Frank) that this is not going to work out (Probably the major thing that about this never going to work out is because we've already decided that it's really not going to work out, and so we did not exerted any more effort than we should to make it happen). Even if my heart would have thought otherwise (You are talking to my brain damnit! Confused? Refer to above topic "Road to Transformation"). He prioritizes his work and career. I prioritize my work and my career too but honestly, I'm willing to trade this for a piece of heaven. It's just so sad that if we are in a different circumstance, my relationship with Frank would have been beautiful.

(...Or probably he's not really that into me that he'd rather work or date other people. Oh fuck, I'm always contradicting myself. I'm not bitter ok?)

I'm just really sad that things did not turn out the way I wanted it to be. It was like breaking up with a real boyfriend. I already think that I am in love with him (so it's not just a feeling of extreme infatuation and of jealousy towards one of his friends, as I would like to think, it's already recognized and accepted in the cognitive level). And it is very rare for me to have those kinds of feelings. I don't get jealous easily and I don't fall in love for anyone easily...it would take me usually months or even years before I would have a crush with any person.

I'm glad that we were able to talk things out unlike my two previous significant relationships. But the thing here is that he never was my boyfriend...and so probably, expectations are set to a minimum. It's clear for the both of us what kind of relationship we have. Actually it was only at the end of that relationship that I fully understood what "exclusively dating" is all about (It was my first time to "exclusively date" a guy)

Ending

People would probably ask me, aren't you tired of riding the roller coaster of life? Of course, I do get tired. I do lose hope from time to time. Who wouldn't? I get tired just by reading this. Imagine, I was a mistress, an fb, and heartbroken (twice)...who wouldn't get tired with this kind of life...and this is just one part of my life. But it doesn't mean that I would stop from taking in more new and old experiences, from taking in more shit from other people, from getting my heart broken over and over and over again. Life would be boring without the challenges, the drama, the love, the excitement, the adventure, even crappy (I'm so fond of using the word crap) people gives spice or (more like bitterness) to life. There's a whole spectrum of events I'm willing to engage in. There's still a lot to learn and to experience out of this life and I want to experience it all (except probably genocide, murder, euthanasia, abortion, synthetic drugs, S&M...).

Bier!

just got Erdinger beer from my boss...at 2 in the afternoon...makes a recommendation to take it with white sausage through text...while he was just about 5 steps (or less depends on how long your legs are) away from my table....to which i replied "this is going to be my first time to have German beer. thank you po!"...also through text.

funny.

i said "this is a sign!!!" (why the fuck do i automatically think that this is a sign?)...instead of asking why did my boss gave me beer in the afternoon (are we going to have a happy hour at this hour?)...in the office?

do we look overworked? (no...not really, i still have time to blog and fb)

anak ng lekat!

misreading...misleading

i can taste the acid from the pit of my stomach.

i must have misunderstood what you said for wanting something magical to happen. i misread those messages between the lines. i only read what i wanted to read and put everything else aside.

melancholy creeping in.

another failed attempt at love.

(sigh)

...and that concludes our European program.

dont you hate it when they say you're exclusive but not really?
they're just trying not to hurt your feelings too much...
too much bullshit.

i'd say bring it on!
i value honesty more than politeness.

i'm too old for bullshits.
too old to have patience.

on to the next!

Nerd??? What the heck

i've been called a nerd several times by several people. do i really look like and sound like a nerd??? (def.an unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person; especially: one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits - merriam-webster dictionary)

excuse me...i don't dress unattractively sometimes lang...just because i understand a lot of things about blah blah and other work processes of other blah blah and can convincingly explain to you how it works makes me a nerd? hmmm ok lang...at least you're convinced that what i'm saying is true even if i am sometimes just fishing for some clues or answers...hehehe...good job!

a not-so-good consultant once told me...you have to make your clients believe in everything you say...even if you don't know the subject pretend you know a lot about it...hmmm...NO. People are not as dumb as you think. They'll soon find out sooner or later if what you are telling them are correct so why take the risk?

Pangalagaan ang reputasyon! As what Dr. B said to me...reputation is very important for a consultant. Nakasalalay ang credibilidad dito.

Yun lang.

Officially a confession box

I don't know why some people (mostly people in their 40's or 50's) are so open and so comfortable relaying to me their issues, problems and whatever personal happenings they have in their lives. Not that I'm complaining...it is sometimes fun to engage in such conversations and their experiences adds to your wisdom and knowledge which you can use when you counsel people their age.

Most of the time it's an eye opener that these people also experience the same problems and issues you are experiencing, which makes me wonder if I'm in a too advanced or too mature stage of my life? Am I really 30 or 100? I sometimes feel like I'm already experiencing issues of those in their 40's or 50's? Not fair...I don't even have kids of my own!

Nevertheless, I genuinely enjoy having these types of conversations....well I'm essentially interested in any human relations may it be a juicy gossip or a real personal thing.

So why do they choose me of all people? Was it because they're just too comfortable with me or do I exude a very welcoming aura?

...because I can relate to them or sympathize with them (most probably)?

...because they know I have a background in psychology and counseling?

...because we have the same wavelength or maturity level is almost the same?

...because I'm an old soul?

...because I look like a confession box?

do i "shrink"?

it is very annoying that people ask you to read their minds when they learned you're a psychologist.

do i look like i have a crystal ball on my hands?

when i talk and ask questions...i am not "psychologizing" you...we're just having a discussion.

Random Thoughts

Vanity and Insecurities

Why do you have to make so much effort to become beautiful? It is effortless for you to be beautiful. Use the extra energy to improve and develop the more important aspects of your life like your personality and spirituality.

It is needless and senseless to attract a lot of people to validate that you are attractive. It shows insecurity if you NEED a lot of people's attention.


==*==


Staying single (living alone) for a long time makes you wonder if you still know how to be with other people or with a romantic partner.

Isang Pagpuna sa mga Pinoy Teleseryes

Nung makalawa, bwisit na bwisit ako sa flow ng istorya ng isang telenovela. Para kasing ginagawang tang a ang mga viewers nila sa pinapalabas nila na script. Paanong mahahatol ng reclusion perpetua ang isang bida ayon sa pahayag ng ina ng biktima gayong ang pahayag ng ina ng biktima ay flawed? Sa istorya kasi na naipahayag na sa hukuman na ang ina ng biktima ang siyang nagbigay ng address sa nasasakdal, na pinilit ng biktima ang ina na kausapin at papayagin ang nasasakdal na magtagpo sila sa address na iyon...yung ina pa nga ang nagbigay ng address dun sa nasasakdal. Habang nasa witness stand ang ina ng biktima, sinabi niya na madalas daw nagkikita ang nasasakdal at ang biktima sa bahay na iyon at iyon daw ay ang kanilang "love nest". Matapos ang pahayag nung ina, nahatulan ng pagkabilanggo ang nasasakdal. O di ba? Isang kagaguhan. Pwedeng pwede i-refute ang pahayag nung ina di ba? Pinilit lamang nilang (scriptwriters) gumawa ng sitwasyon na kung saan madedehado ng husto ang bida para sa bandang huli ay magkaroon ng magandang finish! Kakaimbyerna! Ano ito?! Pampataas lamang ng rating?

Ang literatura (mga fiction books) noon ang siyang ginagawang sandata noon upang maipakita at maisiwalat ang mga di kanais nais na mga kaganapan sa lipunan. Ito rin ang syang gumigising sa kaisipan ng mga Pilipino ukol sa tama, ideyal o wastong paraan ng pamumuhay. Ang media o ang telebisyon ang siyang modernong kasangkapan upang magbigay ng kaliwanagan o impormasyon ukol din sa wasto, lohikal at tamang pag-iisip ngunit hindi ito nagagamit ng tama. Tulad na lamang ng example ko sa taas, nagagamit ang telebisyon ( in particular, mga serye na pinapalabas sa telebisyon) upang magpakita ng mga ilohikal na mga pag-iisip, at mga di kapanipaniwalang mga pangyayari para makapagbigay na mataas na sensation dun sa serye. Entertaining nga para sa mga manonood pero nakapagtuturo din ito ng kakitiran ng pagiisip.

Of course, sa ating, sabihin natin, may mataas na pang-unawa at edukasyon kumpara sa iba nating kapwa, masasabi natin na nasa sa atin naman kung panonoorin natin, paniwalaan o isasabuhay ang mga napapanood natin. May kapangyarihan tayong pumili at maisip kung tama ba o mali ang mga nakikita natin sa telebisyon. Choice natin kumbaga kung patuloy nating ipapatronize ang mga seryeng iyon, ngunit paano ang social responsibility? Paano ang mga taong kulang sa edukasyon, ang may mga makikitid na isip, at mga mang-mang? Paano ang mga batang nakakapanood ng ganito na walang superbisyon ng mga magulang? Kulang ba ang talento ng mga Pilipino upang makapagbigay sila ng entertaining, sensational and at the same time sound and logical story lines and dialogues?

Kaya naman talaga kung tutuusin, pero marahil natatakot sumubok dahil baka hindi ipatronize ng mga average Pinoy ang kanilang produkto. Sa kanilang paniniwala, di pa ganoon kataas ang intellectual level ng karamihan upang ma-appreciate ang mga slightly higher intellectual plots. Kahit nga pagdating sa comedy, mga slapsticks pa rin ang mukhang bumebenta sa takilya. Pero naisasaalang-alang pa rin ang mga values at tamang kaisipan sa pagpapalabas ng mga ganitong palabas.

Marami pa akong kakaining bigasbago siguro magkaroon ng ganung klaseng pagbabago sa mga programa ng lokal na telebisyon. Ano na lang kaya ang sasabihin ni Brocka at ni Rizal sa mga napapanood nila sa telebisyon? Matuwa kaya sila o mainis din sila tulad ko?

Breakfast sa McDo Valero

Kumain akong magisa ng breakfast sa McDo kanina. Mahilig akong magobserba ng mga tao and i find this enjoying talaga. Umupo ako sa lamesa na pang-apatan. Wala na kasing ibang mauupuan dun. Sa tabi ng lamesa na iyon ay may divider sa isa pang pang-apatan na lamesa. May isang babae na maraming nang uban ang buhok na nakaupo dun. Unang tingin ko pa lang alam ko nang may sayad na sa utak ang babaeng ito.

Ginawa ko ang ritwal ko sa pagkain ng hotcake, hashbrown at kape. Nilagyan ko muna ng butter yung pancake. Dapat even para walang parte nun ang nakakalamang sa butter. Lalagyan ko na sana ng syrup pero wala palang naibigay. Humingi ako sa babae sa counter. Pati na rin ng ketsup...2 lang kasi ang binigay nung humingi ako ng 3. Pagkatapos nun ay nilagyan ko na ng 2 creamer at 2 sugar yung kape. Hmmm...parang kulang pa sa tamis pero ok lang matamis naman ang pancake.

Habang kumakain ako nag-iisip ako ng kung anu-ano. Walang kinalaman sa trabaho ko o sa kakulangan ko sa love life. Iniisip ko kung gaano ka-wierdo ang suot ng photographer na malapit sa counter. Ganun ba magsuot talaga ang mga photographer ng ABS-CBN? Daming abubot sa katawan. Para bang maghahiking sa bundok. Maduming tingnan. May kung sino silang iniintay. May listahan pa nga silang tinitingnan para bang naghahanda ng raid. Di kaya sa XXX sila?

May isang grupo ng tila mga call center agent. Kumpol kumpol sa mahabang lamesa...sa iba't ibang lamesa. Wala naman akong nakikitang may kinakain o kalat man lang sa lamesa. Tambayan na nga ata talaga yun ng mga agents. Parang mga high school students...maingay.

Napatingin naman ako dun sa mag-asawa na nakaupo sa may gilid ko. Tinititigan nila yung babaeng baliw na malapit sa tabi ko. Iniisip nila marahil kung paano siya nakapasok sa McDo. Iniisip nila na hindi siya dapat pinayagan ng security guard na makapasok.

Tiningnan ko ang mga dala ng babae. Beaded bag na may kulay ng pink, apple green, purple at blue, at isang brown plastic bag na pawang madudumi na. Andun siguro lahat na ng ari-arian nung babae. Tiningnan ko ang mukha nya. Nakangiti, at maaliwalas ang mukha. Wala siyang in-order sa McDo. Maayos at malumanay siyang humingi ng tubig na maiinom sa waiter. Kung hindi dahil sa itsura ng mukha at pangiti-ngiti eh di mo mapagkakamalan na baliw dahil sa ayos ng pagsasalita. Sa isang banda inisip ko rin na baka isa rin syang taong weirdo lang manamit at magdala tulad ng photographer.

May isang customer na nagmagandang loob sa kanya. Binigyan siya ng pagkain. Natuwa naman ang babae at nakangiti niyang kinain ang mga binigay sa kanya. Para nga siyang may ibang kinakausap pero wala naman talaga. Napatitig ako bigla sa kanya. Napatitig din sya sa akin. Medjo matagal hanggang sa na-realize ko na matagal na pala akong nakatingin sa kanya. Binaling ko ang tingin ko sa iba. Hindi ko dapat ginawa yun. Hindi dahil sa baka magalit siya o kung ano pa man, dahil sa nakakabastos ang tumitig sa hindi kakilala.

Iniisip ko, bakit kaya di siya pinaalis? Kasi katulad din siya ng mga call center agents na naghahanap din ng matatambayan.

Tsinelas

Naalala ko yung pelikula nina Regine Velasquez at Richard Gomez na Ikaw Lamang Hanggang Ngayon.

Nasan na ang kapares ko?

Taglagas

Isa sa mga karaniwang topic sa isang patay...lalo na kung matatanda ang naguusap-usap ay kung gaano na karami ang puting buhok.

Madalas din mapagusapan na kabit pala ni ano ng pinsan na pamangkin ng ano si ano na kapitbahay ni ano na taga-kabilang ibayo na nagbebenta ng ano.

Di nawawala ang sugalan at binggo.

Di nawawala ang kantahan. Minsan may banda pa talaga.

Di nawawala ang sandamakmak na pagkain. Lugaw, sopas, sandwich, mani, boy bawang, green peas, kung sosy ka may puti at bibingka ka pa. Ang walang kamatayang kape at juice na nasa tetra pak at kung nagtitipid ka pineapple juice na lasang tubig na nilagyan ng kakarampot na asukal.

Reunion ba ang pinuntahan ko? Mga tito at tita, lola at lolo, mga pinsan na nun ko lang nakilala. Plus ang buong barangay andun. This is the venue para mangampanya!

Saya!

Ala lang

Hindi ka ba nakakaranas na minsan ayaw mo na magsulat? Hindi dahil sa wala kang masabi kundi dahil walang bago...pakiramadam mo alam mo na ang lahat at napagdaanan ang mga dapat pagdaanan na nawawalan na ng katuturan ang iyong pagsusulat? Maraming mga bagong karanasan pero parang pare-parehong idea.

Napapansin mo rin ba na ang mga bagay na kinaaliwan mo noon eh boring na ngayon? Napapansin mo ba na hindi ka na mababaw? Napapansin mo na ba na nag-iiba na rin ang mga priorities at pangangailangan mo sa buhay? Nararamdaman mo ba na minsan para kang naghahabol sa oras? Na pag di pa dumating ang ganitong bahay sa yugto ng buhay mo hindi na darating kahit kelan yun? Nararamdaman mo na rin ba minsan na madalas ka nang magbalik tanaw sa nakaraan at nagiisip na kung naging iba ang mga desisyon mo iba ang buhay mo ngayon? Nagbibilang ka na ba ng mga accomplishments mo sa buhay? Binalikan mo na ba ang mga naging pangarap mo noon at natuklasan na ni-isa sa mga ginawa mong plano ay walang natupad? Ang mga dating kinatatakutan mo noon eh hindi mo na kinatatakutan ngayon? Akala mo na di mo magagawa mo noon, nagawa mo ngayon?

Dalawang ale sa loob ng dyip kung saan ako ay nakasakay ay naguusap tungkol sa kanilang mga nakaraan. Ayaw ko mag-eaves drop pero dahil sa lakas ng boses ng mga ito wala akong magawa. Sinabi nung isa na pakiramdam nya disiotso lang sya...yung isa nasa line daw ng 20's...mga singkwenta mahigit na ang mga taong ito.

Eh ano ngayon?! Katawan lang ang tumatanda? Ang kabataan ay isang idea, nagdedepende sa persepsyon ng tao. 28 ako ngayon pero pakiramdam ko singkwenta anyos na ako. Mahigit singkwenta sila pero pakiramdam nila disiotso lang sila.

Puwede

Wish ko nasa bahay ako. Pero pag nasa bahay ako wish ko nasa labas ako.

Saan ko ilulugar ang sarili ko? Kala ko di ako mapapagod....not physically.

I'm emotionally drained.

Pwede bang humigop ng lakas? Makakahigop ba ako ng lakas?
Kanino? Saan? Paano?

=====================================================================

Ang pasko ay para sa mga bata at bata ang isip.

Oo nga.

Weirdong taxi driver. Ano tinitingin tingin mo dyan sa rear view mirror mo?
Feeling guwapo. Mukhang abnoy. Nakikita ko sa mukha mo ang isang child molester.

Paranoid.


====================================================================

Payat mo ngayon ah. May iba sa mukha mo. Para kang tumanda.

Wala pa ring love life ano? Hindi mo inaasam?

Hindi priority. Dami pang responsibilidad.

Oo nga.

Sana tayo na lang.


===================================================================

Noong 6 years old ako:
Pag lumaki ako gusto ko maging scientist!

Ngayong 28 na ako:
Pag bumata ako, gusto kong maglaro ng maglaro!


==================================================================

Pwede ba matulog?
Paputol-putol na tulog.

Di matahimik na utak, nagiisip ng mga paraan.

Sapat na ba ang mga salita para mabuhayan ka?
Eh paano naman ako?

Tatakbo na lang ako.
Magbubuhat ng kung anu-ano.
Sasayaw na muna.

Magkukulong ng ilang minuto sa loob ng mainit at mausok na kwarto.
Mag-iisip.
Matutulog.

==================================================================

Puwede bang wag nang kumilos?
Puwede bang wag nang mag-isip?
Puwde bang matulog na lang habang buhay?

Pero kumikita pa rin?

==================================================================

Kumakalam
Bababa ba?

Andyan pa kaya siya?
May laman pa kaya ang lata?

Natatakam
Bababa na.

i'm back!

Yes, I'm back finally. Na-miss ko rin sobra ang Pinas ha! Di mo rin talaga ipagpapalit kahit kelan pwera lang ang magulong gobyerno/sistema at ang punyemas na polusyon. Di na ata talaga ako masasanay sa polusyon dito sa Pilipinas at isusumpa ko na nga ata forever ang mauusok na mga sasakyan.

Oh well...ilang updates and realizations lamang sa mga nangyari sa aking buhay nitong mga nagdaang mga araw...

- tumanda ako ng isang taon. paksyet. altho feeling ko 18 pa rin ako...
- may tinapos ako na libro nung isang araw na ibibigay ko kay allan (na hindi ko pa nakikita ulit...oo na sorry na dapat nung isang araw tayo nagkita!!!!)...na nagco-confirm lang sa mga paniniwala ko regarding positive thinking...ito'y nakakagaling at nakakahawa at nakaka-attract ng magandang swerte sa buhay...
- well so far di pa naman ako minalas ulit...kumakain pa naman ng 3 o higit pang beses sa isang araw....
- yun nga lang wala pa rin atang swerte sa love life...di pa rin alam ng boyfriend ko na boyfriend ko sya...
- will start to work at my previous company again on dec. 4...
- di pa rin naniniwala ang mama ko na may cancer sya...eh naman kasi sabi dun sa mga reports nya nasa stage 4 sya pero yung mga simptomas eh di naman nya nararanasan...sabi nga ng pinsan kong doctor...its a GOK case meaning God only knows...
- hmmm maybe it's already a miracle working for her...i believe so...di pa yayao yun...ala pa siyang apo e...makikita pa niyang gumaradweyt ang apo nya sa college :D
- yes mas malakas ang fighting spirit ko ngayon...o deva? di ko nga alam kung saan ko nakukuha ang lakas na chuva na yan
- mas malaki ang pressure at responsibility sa pamilya...ok lang...it is a natural process that the children will in turn make a living for the family, if the head(s) of the family is/are not capable anymore to support the family...reminds me of what adam from the movie blast from the past said to eve about his responsibilities to his parents
- nga pala hahahaha i tried this dating site...kasi may free personality profile hehehe its called eharmony.com...i figured if i want to have a bf i should do something about it right? besides alam ko naman na yung crush ko ngayon e walang gusto sa akin dahil kung meron eh di in-ask na niya akong makipag-date sa kanya matagal na di ba? so hanap sa iba...
- speaking of crush...grabe nagising ako nung isang madaling araw at nagkaroon ako ng urge na sabihin sa kanya...buti na lang medjo mataas taas ng kaunti ang EQ level ko ngayon so di ako nag-act sa aking impulses...
- although it would be fun to reveal to him my feelings...hehehe doing something scary sometimes makes you feel very alive...exciting! gusto ko magbunjee jumping, swim with the sharks, sky diving/gliding....
- marami akong projects na nakikita na gagawin ko sa bahay at sa shop...pero hinay-hinay na muna...
- sarap magpamasahe....dami ko daw lamig sa katawan...
- nami-miss ko nang mag-videoke!!! o shit where's my list?

Tuloy ang laban!

OK lang kahit di na muna makauwi.

Ok lang na di na muna ako makapagtrabaho sa trabahong gusto ko. OK lang na mabinbin ang pag-aaral ko.

Ok lang na mapagod ako sa araw-araw na ginagawang pangungulit at pag-aasikaso sa mga residente ko. Ok lang kung wala muna akong "life" ngayon.

Ok lang na hindi ko nabibili ang mga gusto kong bilhin mula sa sweldo ko. Ok lang na mapunta iyon lahat sa pamilya ko, lalo na sa mama ko.

Ok lang na hindi ako halos makatulog sa gabi. Ok lang na mukha na akong raccoon dahil maitim na ang paligid ng mga mata ko. Ok lang na nagiging acidic ako dahil sa tension na nararamdaman ko.

Ok lang na maging makapal ang mukha. Ok lang na magpakamanhid na muna sa sinasabi ng iba.

Ano ba naman ang kakarampot na panahon na iuukol ko para sa kanya. Ok lang…basta maging ok lang ang mama ko.

Tuloy ang laban!