life and death

in the past days i have been very sick. in the morning i would be ok but in the evening i would have a fever. this continued for 5 days. my mom was already thinking that i might have dengue or typhoid fever and she wanted to bring me to the hospital. i told her to just stay calm and let’s just observe the temperatures and if it shoots up again i’ll go to the hospital.

i was also thinking of the worst scenarios, what if i had e.colli or what if it’s really a typhoid or dengue or what if i die while i was asleep? i was thinking about these things because i do not understand what is happening to my body. my temperature would go up and down. my limbs and my skin ache. i have loose bowels. sometimes i would feel really cold and sometimes i would feel very hot. i can’t eat more than 2 spoons of rice and i don’t have the gana to eat. also, i was very emotional. imagine, i was crying while watching animal planet and discovery channel’s fbi files. what was that all about?

and then i was thinking about death. and for some weird reason i am comfortable with it. well i really don’t know if i’m going to die because of the sickness that i have but i know we’re going to die eventually. and then i try to look back and see what i did and did not do with my life (since i have all the time in my hand doing nothing and just resting) and so far i am satisfied with my accomplishments but i am just sadden with the fact that if i die today, i wouldn’t be able to experience being a wife, a mother and a grandmother. i wouldn’t know how it is to be a professional teacher or a psychologist. i wouldn’t know how the wind would feel like if i jumped from a high mountain for bungee jumping or sky gliding or jump from a plane for sky diving.

the experience of being sick for me in a way made me realize what i want to happen in my life. what is it i am waiting for? for sure i needed money to do the things that i wanted to do. and i know i am already making steps, albeit small, but at least i’m trying. but as for having a family of my own…that i am not so sure.

a friend once told me that destiny lies not in the stars but in ourselves. i have believed this my whole life. but what if you have given all your best efforts to have someone back because you believe that you were meant for each other. all the while you think that you are creating a destiny for you and for him and despite all efforts, he didn’t came back. and you can’t do anything about it and you feel helpless and the only thing that you can change is your feelings and perceptions for all the things that took place.

sometimes, it does lie on the hands of god. like love or birth for example. it’s probably one of the most amazing and magical things i have ever known. and so as for having a family, no matter how many dates i had or will have or how many times my mother, my grandmother, my aunties, my doctor or the whole barangay tells me to get married, if it’s not god’s well then it’s never meant to be. anyway, if i don’t get a husband before my biological clock stops there’s always in vitro fertilization or adoption.